So much WTF

‘Tis the season of my annual Bar None Christmas post, where we all gather around the monitor and roast our nuts on the fire of my love for you. i hope that you got everything you wanted because i did: your presence today is all the presents i need.

As of right now, 601 of y’all have found your way into the Bar None on this most auspicious of days and i’m here to thank you for thinking of me, especially today. For those of you who aren’t reading this, Santa has a special message for you, too.

Add to that number of patronizers one more because i’m here with you, thanking you for taking the time to pop in and i’mma try to make it worth your while.

Thank you for patronizing me and hoping you’ll patronize me even more next year.

Enough of the the words, lets get to the gifts.

Want more holiday spirits? Click here for Posts of Christmas Past

Wait, before you go, wanna see me put the ‘X’ in ‘X-mas’? Click below the belt to get into my drawers because, unlike Christmas, you can come more than once a year.

Bar None Drawers

Those more interested in candy canes first

Daddy Christmas

Stocking Stuffer

For those more interested in ho’ ho’ ho’s, start your engine

Santa Claws

To prove what little mind i have is pretty fucking open, i even have a selection of goodies for those of you who don’t celebrate Christmas.

Happy Hanukkah!

Merry Kwanza!

Joyous Shinto!

Rockin’ Pagan!

Even atheists have a little taste

From all of me at the Bar None: be good to each other people and have a kick ass 2014.

Want more holiday spirits? Click here for Posts of Christmas Past.

Aren’t we all?

Before we get into the shit, let me just rub something in by telling you that, yes, once again, we had a movie in Yeaman before ya’ll in Rest-of-the-World. Here’s the peroxide proof of that.

Ramblings: Pretty Normal Activity

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk on your annual camping trip? Instead of grilling the burgers yourself on the fire, you decide to try fast food for a change so you eat your burgers around the fire and sip your beer and commence the horror story telling but the tales taste as stale as the rehash you swallow with your flat beer because it never really gets cold enough in a cooler. The stories, like the beer, aren’t bad and the scare, like the fare, are predictable variations of the same urban legends with some fun twists on your nads and suspense to keep you awake but if you’re looking to be startled by something truly new, you’d be better served by another franchise. Still at the end of the day when you’re peeing on the fire, you go to bed and the beer burps bring up the burger aftertaste and you realize you’re satisfied because you got what you expected, if nothing more. That burp is what Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones smacks of.

You know me, and if you don’t just hold it against me, i’m all kinds of specialist on Paranormal Activity because we always get them first in Yeaman.

For those of you who need a cheat sheet, here’s a summary of all the Paranormals up until this point.

Paranormal Activity 1: (October 2006) Micah and Katie are harassed by a demon and record it on a digital camera.
Paranormal Activity 2: (Prequel: September 2006) Kristi (Katie’s younger sister), her husband and her hot step daughter are bugged by the same demon and record it on digital home security cameras.
Paranormal Activity 3: (Pre-prequel: 1998) Kristi and Katie are little girls and are stalked by a demon and their stepdad records it on videocassette camera.
Paranormal Activity 4: (Sequel: November 2011) A blonde teen is tormented by an evil Ben with hormones, but also an evil spirit and the neighbor kid from across the street. Her adventures are mostly recorded on webcams and an Xbox.
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones: (Post September 2006): The film is set after Ali (Molly Ephraim) loses her dad and step mother (Kristi) in PA2 and includes an alternate take of Katie killing Micah (PA1). An 18 year old Hispanic guy named Jesse realizes too late he’s been marked since birth for demon possession. The filming is done with a video camera he buys with his graduation money.

Interestingly or not, this movie technically isn’t Paranormal Activity 5. PA5 is supposed to come out in October, but Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones is a spin-off for the Latino crowd, and why the fuck not. There may be some special guest appearances by Molly Ephraim who’s back from Paranormal Activity 2 for one scene, and the iniminimintable Katie Featherston who has some cameos as well, but basically this is an all new branch of the franchise.

i’m not going to give away anything about the story because i hate it when people do that, but i’ll tell you what you need to know which is Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (which is a long fucking title i’ll never type again) delivers what you ordered and feeds you the crap you expected.

You got the found footage feel (evn if they don’t thank the families and the police in this one like they did in some of the others), you have the talented unknown actors (like Andrew Jacobs does a good job as Jesse, the possessed teen, and very beautiful Latina actresses (Catherine Toribio and Gabrielle Walsh to name but a two) who are talented and just your type if you’re into “very beautiful”. You also have the building of fake startle moments into real startle moments and even a Simon Says game as a modern ouija board / devil’s condom (or whatever the word is that means ‘conduit’).

The new & improved parts come in the fact that the action takes place outside and in many different locations around the city and not just in a couple of rooms. Plus, there’s more action and less heating up slowly to a slow burn like in the earlier ones.

This movie is like the James Bond series, it has women in it. Also, if you like the others in the series, you’ll like this one too.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

Another first for PA:TMO is that they had full frontal female nudity of a hot brunette. Sure, we saw it through a video camera filming a TV screen receiving a signal from a GoPro camera, but it was better than nothing and certainly much better than the sight of an older and heavier naked woman painting the triangle/circle symbol on the hot woman’s stomach.

Apart from that, like i already said, they had Molly Ephraim as Ali again and remember how much i drooled after her in my review of Paranormal Activity 2? This film proves me right, though her screen time unfortunately was next to nothing. Like what she’s wearing here.

Molly Ephraim Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for the wallpaper

There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers, at the bottom. All you gotta do is scroll all the way down.

Silken Butterflies

The rest of the hotness took place with the Silken Butterflies, who are those wonderful actresses whose screen time was the opposite of how talented they are.

One of the hottest was the lovely Catherine Toribio, who played Penelope, a party girl who wants to get freaky with Jesse until the freaky shit starts. Fortunately, before that there’s a scene where she’s crawling around on her hands and knees in her bra, you get the picture, lucky you.

One of the other principle actresses was Gabrielle Walsh, who plays Marisol (Jesse’s best girl friend). She did such a good job with the acting thing that i almost forgot she looks this good.

The other minor roles weren’t all that much more minor either, especially when you realize they were nailed by actresses like Noemi Gonzalez, who was Jesse’s sister, Evette.

There was also the extremely lovely Wallis Barton who was so killer as “Captive Girl” you’d think she liked it.

There was a surplus of shots of her online, so i stuffed a couple of them in my drawers. Down there.

PA:TMO also saw the big screen debut (probably) of  Gigi Feshold as Penelope’s friend, Natalia. At least i’m pretty sure that’s who it was and it’s not like you’re reading this anyway. Speaking of “pretty”:

Finally, i’m saving my favorite for last. She played “Coven Witch” but she’s also a famous stunt woman and her names is Crystal Santos. How cool is that? A stunt woman/actress named Crystal who looks like this:

Told you she was hot, bitches.There’s more shots of her in my drawers as well.

Drink: 2½ Shots

Not a lot to go on here in terms of drinking being crucial to the story, but there was still some gratuitous drinking which means “free” so here’s my notes on the “free drinking” which is what everyone loves to hear their bartender say.

• 40′s and probably a keg @ a graduation party
• Shots of tequila with grandma
• Beer [while] playing Simon Says
• Cute Latinas drinking beer at party

Molly Ephraim in the Bar None

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

There was no rock and roll music that I was able to discern so all the points here go towards the action. There was 3 star’s worth because they had some surprise events like bodies falling out of the sky and car accidents out of nowhere.

At the beginning they had some fake “cat jumping out of the closet” type stuff but later on the real suspense was real enough. Another cool thing about suspense movies is that you can take a date to them and she (or he, depending) will get scared and cuddle up next to you but there’s no hardcore violence to freak them out so they don’t want to do other hardcore shit later back at the house.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Christopher Landon

Directed by: Christopher Landon

Starring

Gabrielle Walsh – Marisol
Catherine Toribio – Penelope
Molly Ephraim – Ali
Noemi Gonzalez – Evette
Wallis Barton – Captive Girl
Gigi Feshold – Natalia
Crystal Santos – Coven Witch
Andrew Jacobs – Jesse

Bottom Line

There’s a reason they use the word “franchise” with both fast food and movies. PA:TMO is like McDonalds, nothing special but you know what you’re going to get when you go there, which is not at all a bad thing if you like McDonalds.

Another Round

The Rod’s brilliant review of the first one

Saint Pauly’s hilarious look at Evil Dead reboot

Booze Revooze of Scream 4, speaking of franchises

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

The review ends here. Keep going only if you want to see how photogenic the actresses are in PA:TMO

Molly Ephraim

Wallis Barton

Crystal Santos

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Too young? Half your age plus 7 inches, baby!

Here’s my New Year’s resolution, for more shit like this to happen. For hot bi girls to get mega drunk and make out with top models in public. My New Year’s resolution is more Michelle Rodriguez.

Michelle Rodriguez, the King of Queens and still the first woman i’ll call if i turn gay, had a date with a 21 year old blonde top model who looks like this:

And acts like this:

Michelle took Cara Dlelevingne (pronounced: de-la-vagina) to a basketball game and it was hard to tell, oh so very hard, who had the most balls because Michelle kept trying to convert the young woman to either Lesbianism or Alcoholism or both and you know me (and if you don’t there oughta be a law) i already invented a word for that too and it’s LUSH, which stands for Lesbian Until Sober Honey.

“Psst, if I were a woman, would you be a lesbian?”

What’s the take away? These photos are the fucking take-away and they’re so great it’s like Santa came again and if he didn’t, i will.

You know you’re Michelle Rodriguez drunk when…

1. …this is ‘smiling’.

2. …you can only keep one eye open at a time

3. …you give a urine sample in public

4. …everything reminds you of vaginas.

5. …you finish first. Without her. At a basketball game.

6. …your ‘come face’ turns into a ‘go face’.

7. …you get this kind of lucky.

As i already got more than enough Michelle Rodriguez pics to choke a drunken whore, i thought i’d concentrate on Cara Delevingne from here on out.

Cara Delevingne Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Al K Hall’s Drawers

What follows is NSFW, babes.

Cara Delevingne in the Bar None

Cara Delevingne in the Bar None

If i see those tats, i swear not to worry and to be happy

Jacqueline Bisset in the Bar None wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

January 12, 2014 And the sinner is…

My favorite reality show is now awards ceremonies. OK, i’m not 100% convinced that awards ceremonies qualify because they’re more real than reality shows and the actors at the ceremonies are more talented (usually) and more famous (certainly) but in both awards and reality shows we get to watch people more blessed and less intelligent than us fuck up in public.

Last week’s Golden Globe Awards was no exception as not 1 but 2 established actresses (OK, 1&1/2) could’ve been arrested for drunk & disorderly as well as public drunkenness if famous people had to obey real people’s laws.

i’m guessing Emma Thompson and Jacqueline Bisset were at neighboring tables and not the same one because there’s no way they both could’ve been as shitfaced as they were if they had to share alcohol. So they were sitting near each other and probably playing drinking games like every time some flailing actress showed cleavage they had to pound a shot or every time some phonies did those European cheek kiss things they had to have a swig for every fake smooch.

Whatever, here’s how that played out on stage during the speech making.

First Emma’s went like this:

Then Jacqueline’s beautiful disaster:

The morning after when it was all over but the crying (and the telling the maid to clean the carpet, BUT NOT WITH BLEACH SOMETHING ORGANIC GODDAMNIT) Jacqueline Bisset had this response to her speech:

I was hungry and surprised.

Which was true, she was hungry and surprised, right after she drunk the shit out of all the alcohol in her vicinity.

Jacqueline Bisset Bar None wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

While Emma Thompson had this to say:

Dear Non famous people,

It has come to my attention that my recent behavior at the Golden Globes ceremony has drawn not a little amount of public scrutiny and as such I would like to offer up this explanation for my actions.

I was fucking drunk, bitches.

Sincerely,

God Dame Emma Thompson

Bar None Dregs

Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall

Saint Pauly over at 1,2,3 WTF!? lets me skip to the good parts of the movies he reviews by posting exactly at what minute the nudity begins. You get that and all the other parts, good and bad, at his cool site.

Check out the reviews for

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of Sharknado

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of The Purge

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of Evil Dead

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of Getaway

Give him a chance. Plus, because he’s my gay friend, we can feel all good about ourselves for being open minded.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

What follows is more or less pretty NSFW

Jacqueline Bisset

Emma Thompson

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Ben Affleck in the Bar None

Afflecker

You know me (and if you don’t there ought to be a law), i’m in it for the laughs. So far be it from me to “out” a drinker in recovery, but apparently not so far from me because i’m doing it right here.

Yesterday morning, i came across (in the non-sex way) an article on the Huffington Post talking about 19 celebrities who don’t drink and if you look at #28 (of 19, WTF!?) you see…Ben Affleck. It’s not the first time i’ve heard Ben’s name associated with sobriety and, as someone in recovery for alcoholism (over 3 years dry now, baby), i’m always on the lookout for famous people who are as fucked up as i am.

Yes, Ben is full of it, if “it” means “a giving  spirit” because after all, he’s the one who just last August went to tell Lindsay Lohan how to be sober.

Affleck — who himself was in rehab back in 2001 — met Lindsay somewhere away from the Cliffside rehab facility in Malibu where Lindsay was getting treatment.  We’re told Ben gave her guidance on how to maintain sobriety after rehab for someone in Hollywood.

Apparently someone better go find Lindsay Lohan’s ass and tell her to do the exact opposite of everything Ben told her because everything he knows about sobriety you could fit in a thimble but don’t do that because he’d pro’lly drink that to.

Turns out Ben is full of it, if “it” means “booze”.

“You can’t hear me? Let me DRINK UP!” (Bar None Artist’s misdirection)

“I Swear I haven’t drunk since 2001.” (Bar None artist’s misinterpretation)

Sobriety for Ben is an Afflecktation, something he shows off when it’s convenient but not something he’s serious about. In 2010, there was already talk about how he sat down at some table with Tommy Lee Jones at Sundance plopping down a fifth of Absolut and all Ben’s handlers had to shoo the press away like flies off of shit.

In the same loaded vein, last week’s Golden Globe Awards must’ve been one hell of a party because Ben got shitfaced along with Emma Thompson and Jacqueline Bisset. Check out the evening’s photos, and tell me he doesn’t look seriously Affleckted.

“I love you, man.”

“I fuckin’ love you, man.”

“I love fucking you, ma’am.”

Just for laughs…

Bar None Dregs

On a happier note, Saint Pauly just posted another one of his WTF!? reviews and they’re funnier than I have a right to be.

WTF!? review of “Indisdious”

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Bieber Drunk in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a WallpaperJustnie

i heard the news today, and, oh boy, i’m at a loss. As a Functional Alcoholic Slurperson (Temporal) and tender bartender here at the Bar None, i’d like to take this opportunity to make an official statement in support of Justin Bieber and against the hyena’s arrest.

The Bar None is protesting the arrest of Justin Bieber and, not just Miss Bieber but the incarceration of all little girls throughout the world. What kind of police state are we living in when a little girl can be stopped by the police and thrown in prison? What if she has her first period in jail? Will the wardens teach her how to use a tampon? i don’t think so. What if her boobs start growing behind bars, is there such a thing as a prison issue training bra ? i would bet there isn’t.

i’m sure that there’s a good explanation as to why Miss Bieber consumed alcohol. It’s our understanding that she was at a birthday party with her other girlfriends just before, so maybe a prankster poured vodka in her apple juice. As for driving the race car, in her addled condition, she no doubt mistook the Lamborghini for a Disney ride and was probably more frightened than anyone when the police helped her bring the car to a stop.

The point is this, a wee lass’s business is not police business. Childhood can not be regulated. Let little Justin’s parents worry about her education, for lest we forget, he is someone’s daughter.

Sometimes your battles lose you

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Pearl Jam – Release

[Press 'Play' for what the movie was shooting for but missed]

Ramblings: Out of the Furnace leaves me cold

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you get drunk in a public toilet? Not one of the nice ones in a fancy rest area but in one of those parks where the grass won’t grow because the ground is dead and the playground equipment is either broken or rusted away and anyway the only kids there are in their 20s and are busy dealing or dropping out. The toilet stalls don’t have doors and the floor is constantly damp where it’s not wet and the odor of pee is as permanent as the brown stains at the bottom of the sinks and toilet paper blocks the back of the bowl so you can’t see whatever is dead or dying at the bottom but it doesn’t stop the smell from permeating your clothes on its way to live in your nose. You have one of those bad buzzes that takes you straight from sober to sick without the detour to drunk and you find yourself ill before your time so you go to puke in the toilet and the shit already in the bowl makes your sicker so you puke more and the smell hits you and it’s a perfect shit storm until finally the only thing you end up heaving is sour spit and you reach for some paper to wipe your face but the roll is empty so you slip and hit your head on the porcelain before landing in the dregs of the person who went there before you. That’s how Out of the Furnace will make you feel.

Going home after trying to catch a train – and missing it

Look, i ‘m not going to spend a whole lot of time telling you about how this movie sucked especially when it didn’t. The actors were good, so good that even Willem Dafoe brought his A game and we get to watch Casey Affleck prove he’ll be an actor one day, hopefully in time to do a remake of Gone, Baby Gone where he can play the same role only as someone more talented.

And while we’re on the actors and i know a couple of y’all would like to be, shut up talking about Christian Bale because he’s not bad but he’s no Woody Harrelson who fuckin’ rocked this movie as hill folk Harlan DeGroat. His performance here was amazing yet not quite but almost enough to make me forgive his hair piece in Hunger Games.

Changing his mind about playing Choo Choo Train

And the director directed shit and there were the things you expect when you watch a movie, like not too many boring parts were here and the script was full of things like good words and people doing shit you would do and shit. Plus, the Zoe/Christian bridge scene was fucking brilliant and would win an Oscar for best scene if there was such a thing.

If everything was so cool, why did i fucking hate this movie? i’ll tell you, it’s because it was depressing as fuck. The film was like a date with me, it started off in a bad place and only kept going downhill to the point that everybody is looking at their watches before looking for the back door. Yes, it was a well made movie, but who wants to see perfect desperation happening to people you don’t give a shit about? Is a 2-hour movie about torture a good movie if it’s technically well made? You know what, i don’t care. When I spend 2 hours in the dark, i want to have more fun than i had here. This isn’t Europe after all.

Had too many fish sticks

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

Only one woman in this whole fucking thing if you don’t count Peggy (i think her name was Peggy) the cashier at the bar and Brenna Lee Roth as a meth addict,vulnerable and plain, the type i always end up falling for.

The woman in the movie, though, was Zoe Saldana and i don’t think i’ve ever seen her look so good as she did in here. The only thing wrong with her performance was that it was too fucking short.

Here’s what Zoe looks like when she’s out of the furnace and super cold.

Zoe Saldana Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

There’s gobs more shots of her in my drawers, just scroll all the way down to the bottom.

Silken Butterflies

As mentioned, the beautiful Brenna Lee Roth (who i already spotted in The Road) was in Out of the Furnace for a second, and it was one of the best seconds of the film because she looks and acts this good.

Brenna Lee Roth in the Bar None

Drink: 3 Shots

Those of you who hang out here regularly know that i rarely give this many shots for booze in a movie and so this was kind of special. Not just because there was a lot of it to be seen, but because it played an important role in the film. Here’s what the blue by blow off that turned out to look like.

• Woody Harrelson pounding vodka from the bottle and kicking the shit out of people in a drive-in
• Willem gives Christian a whiskey from a bottle he initially refuses and they drink a silent toast
• Pivotal moment is a drunk driving accident
• Casey drinking shots of something and Christian drinking beer the night he gets out of jail
• Christian Bale drinking beer on the front porch
• Casey drinks a beer after jogging
• Woody with vodka shots while he sizes up Casey
• Woody drinking moonshine from a mason jar

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

The film open and closes with the same song: Pearl Jam’s “Release”, which i like but is the only real music in this film that isn’t background incidental music. As far as the action, well, there was that kind of back alley boxing where people don’t wear gloves and fight until someone goes into a coma. There’s some gun play and a kind of exciting-esque scene towards the end but nothing really we’d call rock & roll.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Brad Ingelsby and Scott Cooper

Directed by: Scott Cooper

Starring

Zoe Saldana – Lena Taylor
Brenna Roth – Meth Girl
Christian Bale – Russell Baze
Woody Harrelson – Harlan DeGroat
Casey Affleck – Rodney Baze Jr.
Sam Shepard – Gerald ‘Red’ Baze
Willem Dafoe – John Petty
Forest Whitaker – Chief Wesley Barnes

Bottom Line

Don’t watch this if you like to like movies.

Another Round

Saint Pauly’s most controversial review and i can’t believe he writes anything controversial compared to my shit but read the comments if you don’t believe me.

WTF review of Winter’s Bone

Fernby Film’s review of another Christian Bale movie

Booze Revooze of Mud

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Enough about me, what about Zoe? Note, the photos are pretty pretty and pretty NSFW. You’ve been warned.

Zoe Saldana in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Normally, i’d be all about posting screen shots of the film to prove i was there, but i got in an argument with the unemployed guy who sat beside me (in Yeaman, the unemployed get a discount for movies) over my eating candy and popcorn. As i didn’t want to risk getting my ass tossed taking screenshots with my phone, you’re going to have to settle for a picture of the ticket stub.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Clash- I Fought the Law

[Press 'Play' for a song that doesn't make much sense for this film]

“Hey you, motherfucker eating popcorn in the front row!”

Ramblings: RoboCop Out

Final Proof: 2 ½ Shots You know how you get drunk with a sex doll? Sure, she’s lots of fun and looks good on the surface and she’ll make you feel good but she doesn’t really have a heart and you know you won’t remember her after you leave her behind because she didn’t mean anything special to you. You drink your drinks but the fuck puppet isn’t having any so you feel a little cut off from the whole thing as you struggle to get into it and keep it up because your spirit is willing but your willy is weak so you just lie there, pushing rope, not having an unpleasant time because it’s sex and drink after all but still you can’t help wondering how long it will be until true love comes again. RoboCop is that sex doll.

“It’ll feel like someone else’s hand, you luck bastard.”

When i heard a while back that they were going to remake RoboCop, i was pretty psyched. The movie seemed like a perfect candidate for a retooling. It has a good story, potential for action, places for special effects… i was looking forward to opening this puppy up and giving him a test drive. Unfortunately, this RoboCop has a few kinks (and not the good kind), some bugs and acts a little rusty. The problem with a remake is that it’s like sleeping with twins, you’re going to end up comparing them. This RoboCop doesn’t measure up because it’s the shallow twin: the one with no soul. Not the RoboCop dude himself, but the movie. Beta RoboCop (1987) was directed by Verhoeven and his strong points are making movies like Good and Plenty candy. They got the chewy licorice center of political satire hidden deep inside candy coated kitsch. He knows how to package this junk and whenever he hesitates between two choices, he chooses the one that goes farthest over the top.

Speedbump of the future

This RoboCop is a straightforward action film with none of the fun, which is cool, not everyone can be likable (look at me) but then it should kick ass in other parts. Like The Dark Knight wasn’t a fun movie, but made up for this with credible script, non stop action, a cool look, deeply personal themes and a villain that redefined villains. RoboCop tries for all of this but cannot make the leap so falls short in almost every aspect. The script is thin, the action is cliché, and the look was polished but not stylish, like a generic cell phone case that’s overpriced and doesn’t fit the IPod you have anyway. Plus, our villains are a money grabbing Mr Mom at the head of a big bad Corporation and Samuel L Jackson, who is a conservative talk show host on a Fox-type network that only shows infomercials for high-end weaponry.

“You were in Batman, too? No shit?”

The one thing i liked in version 2 was that more attention was paid to RoboCop’s internal wiring. In the original, RoboCop had moments of consciousness stuck inside the suit and sitting under a plastic sheet on the lab floor, but there are no tests run on him and we get no real feeling about his mental workings. This RoboCop performs much better in these aspects, and while it’s almost too much at times, it certainly is better than not enough. Finally, you know me and if you don’t i’m the exception that breaks the rule, i’ll say what other critics are afraid to say and here’s the ugly truth about Joel Kinnaman playing RoboCop. Inside the suit, he looks like a giant penis in a condom. He walks around like an upright cock with his circumcised head exposed and is the spitting image of a Durex advertisement. It’s so ri-dick-ulous it’s distracting.

“Looking at you reminds me of your circumcision.”

Basically, RoboCop works but looks clunky, runs but never hits its stride. At least the director kept the drug factory from the first one. (Here’s a GIF from Saint Pauly’s review).

Have some Coke and a smile

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

 Like a teenager with a Playboy bunny, José Padilha had his hands full of beauty here but didn’t know what to do with it. i’m sure he’s some famous foreign director because he’s so good at choosing women for his movies, but he’s not modern enough to give them some meat to their roles or cleavage to their necklines.

The exquisite Maura Grierson

As Murphy’s wife, Mrs Murphy, there’s the gorgeous Abbie Cornish, who i’ve exposéed before. In RoboCop  there’s a scene where she’s in her bra, making out with her husband on top of the sheets but you’ll see more action watching alcoholics in corner booths. Abbie Cornish who is not a hen but is a chick and here’s the proof of that.

Abbie Cornish Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’s some single shots of Abbie in my drawers down below. Just scroll down til you hit the dirt. Before that, though, there is the amazing Aimee Garcia who we all fell in love with when she played Harrison’s nanny in Dexter. Maybe you fell in love with her first in Jag, and if you did, RoboCop may just well be the movie for you. Aimee played a lab tech in this movie so her white coat hides all of this.

Aimee Garcia Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

And there’s shots of her down in my drawers as well. Silken Butterflies Let me just say here that the director (José Padilha) is  Like the first woman we see right at the beginning of the movie is a super hot journalist doing a live broadcast in Iran. This lovely young lady is as talented as she is hot and very cool on top of it all. This i know because her name is Maura Grierson and she was cool enough to do a Booze Talkin’ interview for the Bar None that i’ll be posting faster than a horny rabbit on a conjugal visit.

Wrapping this up is the stellar Melanie Scrofano, who plays the guitarist with the mechanical hand’s wife. Or maybe something shorter but does it really matter when at the end of the day she looks like this, and i bet at other times of the day as well.

Melanie Scrofano Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Drink: 1 Shot

Not a lot of drinking to be found here, and what they had was pretty incidnetal, so if they’re going to do the bare minimum, so will i. Still, here’s the blow by blow:

• Vallon drinks whisky with dirty cops
• Murphy’s wide gives him a beer at home when he’s sad
• Beer at picnic in his robot dream

Rush Limblack

Rock & Roll: 3 shots

Not bad, though if you want my opinion (and if you don’t you should probably stop fucking reading this), the rock and roll in this movie was like my sex life, there was aa lot going on but not much exciting and nothing you’d necessarily want to watch.

• The best action scene was the first one, a fire fight between terrorists and cool robots in Iran
• Shoot out at a restaurant between Murphy and his partner and machine gun wielding baddies
• Yodel rock during test [phase] montage
• RoboCop at Vallon’s [lair] shootout, nothing new
• Shootout against Omni Corp [robots] good FX but standard fight
• Punk version [by The Clash] of “I Fought the Law” to roll credits by

Boring Technical Crap

The Agents of Panty S.H.I.E.L.D.

Written by:

Joshua Zetumer – screenplay
Edward Neumeier & Michael Miner – 1987 screenplay

Directed by: José Padilha

Starring

Maura Grierson – Kelly
Abbie Cornish – Clara Murphy
Aimee Garcia – Jae Kim
Melanie Scrofano – Wife of Man with Prosthetics
Joel Kinnaman – Alex Murphy / RoboCop
Gary Oldman – Dr. Dennett Norton
Michael Keaton – Raymond Sellars
Samuel L. Jackson – Pat Novak

Bottom Line

Someone should make a movie with the heart of the first one in the special effects of the second one. Rather ‘should have made’ because i don’t think we have another RoboCop remake in us. He’s not Superman, after all.

Another Round

WTF!? Review of RoboCop (1987)

The Rod’s review of a Veerhoven (or whatever) movie

Booze Revooze of another man in a suit movie

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Shutting down the hilarity to make room for the titillation. All that comes from here on out is pretty much NSFW.

Abbie Cornish

Abbie Cornish in the Bar None

Abbie Cornish in the Bar None

Aimee Garcia

Aimee Garcia 09 in the Bar None

Melanie Scrofano

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

You know how i saw RoboCop before any of y’all did because it came out 2 days early here compared to the States? Well, we could weigh the pro and cons of this until the cows come home and ask us what we’re doing trying to place theoretical concepts on a bathroom scale but i think all of us can agree–cows included–that the real reason everyone is jealous of me is that i got to discover Maura Grierson 2 days before the rest of the world and that means i’m 2 days ahead in the Maura appreciation department. Not only did i discover her first, i also got to interview her about her role as the journalist in RoboCop and tons of other stuff at least as interesting. Read on, if you don’t believe me…

It was the craziest thing, I was sitting in the back of a limousine, sipping gulps from a real glass on my way to accept the Global Award for Sarcastic Humor to acknowledge my generous contributions to the universe of the Internets. i won’t lie, the G.A.S.H. i was about to get excited me and i wondered what it would look like and how it would feel and if i would polish it as often as i did my knob (the brass one that matches my balls). Just when i was trying to decide what to do with the G.A.S.H. when i got it home, the limo stopped so suddenly i sloshed my virgin Grey Goose and coke. The back door flew open and in slid what will momentarily come to be known as the new standard for universal beauty.

This incredible blonde reached for my knob (the plastic one on the radio) and turned up Arcade Fire’s “Reflektor”, ’cause she’s all about the radio. As a matter of fact, i of course recognized Maura Grierson right away from all the radio work she does. 

“Maura Grierson! Famous sexy woman and funny girl! Wow, they really bent their backs overboard for this thing. Imagine, me being interviewed by Maura Grierson!”

“Oh Al,” she said with that way she has, you know that way, the one that says it all in only two words, “you were sent to interview me, you sad, egotistical, teetotaling son of a beach bum. ”

Al K Hall: Damn, i guess that means no GASH for me tonight. Once again, i’ll come home empty handed, so to speak. But enough about my hand, this interview is all about the ‘Maura’. Speaking of, did your parents name you ‘Maura’ because “That’s less for you and Maura for me?” Or wait, “The Maura the better,” right?

Maura Grierson: [She shot me that look she has--you know the one--the one that says, "shut up".] “Maura” is Gaelic for “Mary”. But alas, “Maura” easily gets mistaken for “Moira” or “Laura”.

Al K Hall: Maybe you should work on getting a fresh name?

Maura: When I’m feeling particularly fresh I go by ‘Mo G’, but only a select few know this.

Al K Hall: Got it. You can trust me, i’ll keep that secret to my grave. Like your address.

Maura: I live in Toronto now, but was born in Guelph.

Al K Hall: Whoa, was that a wet burp or are you just happy to taste that drink again? “Guelph” sounds really freaking Canadian, though. Like what’s something super Canadian about you?

Maura: I went to university in Montreal and it was there that I learned overalls shouldn’t be worn to the bar. Funny, overalls are now back in style… so looks like I wasn’t so off point.

Al K Hall: Like you could ever be off point about anything. As far as setting fashion trends, how do the cool kids like you get their kicks?

Maura: I usually play with Jerry for a bit.

Al K Hall: And Jerry’s what you call your…

Maura: Jerry’s my new kitten.

Al K Hall: That’s what i meant, but what about the hard partying life of a rock and roll queen?

Maura: I get up super early for my radio gig so I’m a bit of a nerd weeknights. I like to be in bed by 9:30. Weekend evenings must involve food with friends, then I’m happy.

[Press 'Play' for "Happy", by Pharrell Williams, a song Maura herself requested from the Juiced-box]

Al K Hall: Yeah, “happy”. i bet you are. What’s something you do when you get a get a few bottles’ worth of “happy”?

Maura: I can balance a pint full of beer on my head for as long as you ask me to.

Al K Hall: Better be careful, i can ask people to do stuff for a long time. Is beer the secret to your amazing sense of humor?

Maura: I’m the baby of a 5-kid family. We were loud at dinner tables and verbal abuse was encouraged and considered hilarious the harsher it got. I steal most of my material from my older brothers who are the funniest people I’ve ever met.

Al K Hall: Yeah, but looks aren’t everything. While we’re on the subject of looks, i’d love to see more of your sparkly pants dance like in your “Showhouse Showdown” clip on YouTube. Where would a guy be able to find something like that?

Maura: Oh yes! Check out this  for a break-dancing vignette entitled ‘Maura Grierson Break Dancing’ and thank me later.

Al K Hall: Hell, i’ll thank you now and avoid the rush. That was crazy good, emphasis on the ‘crazy’. How’d you get a start in the break dancing radio business?

Maura: I have always known I wanted to be a performer. As long as I’m on the mic, or in front of a camera I’m happy.

Al K Hall: Which is cooler, the mic or the camera?

Maura:  In radio, you can show up in whatever outfit you want, with no make-up and crazy hair and still put on a great show. In film and TV there are all those extra hours just getting ready to look the part before you even begin to do the work. But I love it all.

Maura Grierson with Lady Gaga

Al K Hall: You host the show Battle of the Blades which as near as i can tell is like a Dancing with Stars on ice skates because it’s Canadian. Don’t you freeze your balls off? Metaphorically?

Maura: I got to be a part of Season 3 of BOTB. I was a competitive figure skater for most of my life and often wondered when I moved on from the sport if I’d ever use what I learned on the ice. When the opportunity came along to work on Battle of the Blades, it seemed like the perfect combination of all of my skill sets. It was awesome to be on the ice again.

Al K hall: That explains so much about your moves. And how you have the poise for the beer on the head thing. Was skating hard?

Maura: 6 am practices 6 days a week for most of my life!

Al K Hall: Jesus, sounds like you’ll take any job as long as you can wake up early in the morning. Were you an early bird to get the worm in RoboCop? If memory serves, your first scene is also the first in the film. You’re a reporter on the scene in Iran with Samuel L Jackson in ‘the studio’. So the shoot was like a real life Argo, i bet.

Maura Grierson in RoboCop

Maura: The scene in Iran was actually shot on a huge outdoor set in Toronto.

Al K Hall: No! Next you’re gonna say the presentation of RoboCop to the public wasn’t filmed in Detroit…

Maura Grierson still in RoboCop

Maura: The Mayor’s presentation of RoboCop was shot at a building at the University of Toronto. They flew me to Vancouver as well for a few scenes.

Al K Hall: You jet setter, you. But the booze, babe: was there a wrap party?

Maura: Yes, there was a wrap party! But I was on my best behavior.

Al K Hall: Wow, what’s that like? ‘Course i’m internationally unknown for being on my best misbehavior, so to each his own, i guess. Obviously, you know how to act in all situations, so if a casting agent or director or whatever is reading this, what’s the best way to contact you?

Maura: MauraGrierson.com

A lucky fan @the Toronto Beer Festival

Al K Hall: Now it’s time for the dreaded Bar None questionnaire. Think of it like my virginity: awkward but the trauma will fade with time. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Maura: Red wine.

Al K Hall: To match your eyes, right? No? OK, moving right along. When was the last time you had a hangover?

Maura: I’m pretty good at avoiding those these days, thank god!

Al K Hall: That’s what they all say, and then they wake up under an overpass with puke on the only shoe they have left. Oh wait, that was just me. Speaking of, what’s your favorite thing about me?

Maura: That you live in [Yeaman]! Great choice.

Al K Hall: Ah well, you know, you don’t choose Yeaman, Yeaman chooses you.

Just at that precise moment, the limo pulled to a complete stop in front of the red carpet. i tried to get out and walk it with Maura but cops were on me faster than penicillin on syphilis, so you’re going to have to be satisfied in knowing that from here Maura went on to become the international superstar that stole our hearts. 

That ends the entertainment portion of our show. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, this whole exchange in the limo never really took place because i never really met Maura face to face. The entire interview was done through e-mail, and while i rearranged and reworked my questions, her answers remain untouched and exactly as she sent them to me.

i owe a big debt of gratitude (which is all i can afford) to Maura for taking the time out of her busy schedule to do this. She graciously accepted my request for an interview…which we knocked out in 2 days because she was pressed for time to get to the RoboCop World Premiere in Los Angeles. While i took my sweet time editing and blowing off, she made a huge effort to entertain us here at the Bar None, so y’all should be grovelling, too. Thanks Maura, for rocking it the hard way.

Signing off, here’s another of the songs she chose from the juiced-box: Souls Of Mischief – From 93 Till Infinity

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.

Ramblings: A Penthouse Sweet

Before ya’ll get your collective panties (and you oughta stop with that, it’s all kinds of not sanitary) about how i’m bullshitting my way through this review because The Grand Budapest doesn’t come out for another 3 days…check this out.

See that date? 26/02/2014, babe. So i was in the Hotel, soiling the sheets and raiding the mini bar way before you got here.

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk with a girl you like? She’s kind of your friend but you’ve always wanted to take it to the next level because she’s cute and funny and sexy and even a little dirty and finally she tells you to meet her in a room at the Motel 6 with a bottle of bargain tequila and a box of condoms. So you spend the day in sticky anticipation of all the liquid fun in store for the evening but like all pleasures that get put off, there comes a moment when it’s more fun to wait than consecrate, to anticipate than consummate. The hotel room you meet in is a poor excuse of a bedroom and what you imagined her lips would feel like, what you thought her skin would smell like, what you hoped her body would taste like was far softer, sweet  your imagination of her body was more delicious than her body itself. Not that she’s ugly by any stretch, it’s just she sports the ass of someone you like and not love so you don’t really get into it. The Grand Budapest was like that ass, no matter how drunk you get, you appreciate how good it looks but you just can’t get deeply into it.

Is that flour on your face or were just making batter?

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe i was too tired but The Grand Budapest didn’t open for me. i feel bad about this on so many levels that i’m tempted to lie here and say i loved it because i’ve heard the rumors that this is Wes Anderson’s break out movie and if any director deserves a break out, it’s Wes.

All the ingredients were there for a successful cocktail even. The script was well written, the story was engaging, the actors were amazing (Fiennes and the little boy (Tony Revolori as Zero) were perfect) and the look, the style the feel of the film was the best part. It looked like a delicious pastry from your favorite bakery.

Why i didn’t like it is more elusive because i’m not sure, so let’s talk this through and see if we can’t figure it out. i think one of the problems is that, like the cake, it was too sweet but not nourishing enough. Like Wes had followed the recipe to the letter and get the cake that looked exactly like the picture in the cookbook, but my tastes run more towards the improvised, the surprise.

“This is what happens when you don’t put the seat down.”

Here’s some excuses as for why i didn’t get into Hotel:

1. i was tired and fell asleep in the movie
2. After Moonrise Kingdom, which i loved the shit out of, i had very high, too high, expectations for this one
3. i suck

You know how you sit in the can for a long time trying to make a deposit and you feel the need and you keep trying and pushing but nothing comes from it? That’s how i felt in the movie theater, trying to force myself to love The Grand Budapest and just not succeeding. Maybe i’ll try to watch it again and stay awake through the whole thing this time.

“No, you can’t change jobs. His is flushing, yours is wiping.”

You know what i’d really like? If you’re feeling especially generous maybe you could see the film and tell me how wrong i am in the comments. Shame me into liking this film, goddammit.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

WATCH OUT! SOME OF WHAT FOLLOWS IS NSFW!

Sex: 0 Shots

Yeah, no big surprise here. Wes isn’t really known for his steamy sex scenes. Which is cool because going to a Wes Anderson film for the sex scenes is like going to church for rationality. Fortunately you got me here to give you a hand…so to speak.

The sexiest shot in the whole film

Like there was Saoirse Ronan as Agatha. i was so glad to see her here and doing a good job acting because i thought Stephenie Meyer broke her when Saoirse starred in The Host. Apparently, however, Saoirse is more resilient than Kristen Stewart doing Twilight because Ms Ronan holds her own here–but not anyone else’s. Which is why i’m posting this.

Saoirse Ronan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

The same lack of sexiness carried over to hot French babe Léa Seydoux, which is pronounced like “Say Do” but she says “don’t” throughout this whole movie because she’s not in it very long and even if she plays a French Maid, it’s not even half as sexy as it sounds. Here’s a wallpaper of her trying not to be sexy too, by hiding her boobs from us but she’s only partially successful.

Léa Sydoux Bar None Wallpaper – click on the shot for a wallpaper

If you made it past that, here’s the blow by blow:

• Glimpse of an elderly naked woman in bed
• Maid Clotilde [is hot] [i wrote this before i recognized it as Léa Seydoux]

Drink: 2 Shots

i was pretty surprised actually. i never woulda thought it’d have gone up this high but there you have it. There were pretty regular references to drinking, even if drinking wasn’t key to the script.

• Champagne bottle at dinner

“To my health, ’cause yours is fucked.”

• The film is set in Zubrowka [which is the name of a polish vodka]

Bring Pouilly-Fuissé 1926 so we don’t have to drink the cat piss in the dining car.

Ralph Fiennes / M. Gustave packing before a train trip

“I take my drinking like my men, two-fisted.”

• Whisky and champagne at the reading of the will
• Green Goblin bad guy [i spaced Willem Dafoe's name] takes sips from his flask on his motor cycle

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

C’mon people, you don’t go to a Wes Anderson film for the rock.

“Shoot, or I’ll stop.”

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Wes Anderson & Hugo Guinness – Story
Wes Anderson – Screenplay

Directed by: Wes Anderson

Starring

Saoirse Ronan – Agatha
Léa Seydoux – Clotilde
Ralph Fiennes – M. Gustave
F. Murray Abraham – Mr. Moustafa
Willem Dafoe – Jopling

Bottom Line

My suggestion to you is to definitely see it, especially if you like Wes Anderson and to ignore everything i think about it.

Another Round

Booze Revooze of Moonrise Kingdom

WTF!? review of The Host

The Rod’s super professional review of Fiennes in Skyfall

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Nothing clever from here on out, unless you think NSFW T&A is clever. In which case, what’s coming is fucking brilliant.

Saoirse Ronan

Léa Seydoux

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Black Sabbath – War Pigs

[Press 'Play' for the original version. The end credits have a mix of this, but when i bought the OST track on Amazon there were no vocals attached,  even if they were there in the film version. Fuckers.]

i think i was the first person in the world to see this film and i’m not even kidding all that much. There was a sneak preview of it here last night (2014-03-04) at 9pm and here’s some proof of that. Don’t worry, on Friday y’all can enjoy my sloppy seconds.

My ticket stub

The blurry might be the 3D

The black thing is my leg at the movies with me

Ramblings: 300 (on a scale of 0-10)

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you get drunk at a Roman orgy? You chug so much wine your bones feel soft and you can’t feel your skin and you pound so much mead your eyes drip with it and the buzz goes past drunk to a high so high you feel like you’re drinking with the gods and everything you see is brighter and bigger and cooler so that you’re high in the arena looking down on killer battles being played out for your amusement and then you get drunker because you’re high in the clouds looking down on the epic earth with a view no human has seen before. Sure, there are moments when you need to visit the barfatorium and evacuate your guts out to make room for the next round and between gladiator fights everyone makes these boring ass speeches and even the gods babble on about their personal problems far too long but you don’t mind much because it’s their party and it’s a small price to pay for the ferocious madness you know they’re going to drop in your lap right after. Soon you’re back reveling in the sex and the flesh and the stench and the mess that’s so intense you overload your senses and drift off into a pleasure coma. Then, when the orgy is eventually over you lie back sated with a smile on your face and can’t wait for the next one. That visual gratification that aural satisfaction that sensory overdose is what 300: Rise of an Empire brings to the fucking orgy.

Good news.

i fucking loved the original 300. i went there not knowing what to expect and kind of figured i’d probably hate it and then it knocked me on my ass and spit in my face while i sat there mouth opened in awe of all the movie getting shoved down my throat.

That’s why 300: Rise of an Empire kinda worried me. It was going to be impossible to surprise me now that i knew what to expect. Also, i loved the shit out of the first one and so the second one was going to have to work its ass off to impress me. Well, it did and i was.

What we liked in the first one was fairly simple: lots of action, slow motion, and cool special effects. Noam Murro, the director they tapped to replace Zack Snyder who was no doubt suffering from performance anxiety after how hard he rocked our worlds in the first one, knew this and turned all three of those things up to 11. The action was harder, the motion was slower and the effects were specialer. There were a couple times i caught myself mouthing the words “Holy shit” to myself and scribbling it in my notes because it looked so fucking great.

Be careful, though. You know me (and if you don’t, it’s contagious), i’m like a little kid in a little boy’s body and that means i can super get into shit. i don’t sit around and analyze grown up crap and over-think these things to death. i feel movies with my balls, is what i’m saying, and what my balls felt about 300: RoaE was that it went past redonkulous and teetered on the edge of ridiculous. So there may be some jaded ass mother fuckers out there who are going to tell you this movie sucked because it’s exaggerated but you and i both know they’re wrong. The problem with life is that it’s too fucking soft and normal and sometimes we need something exaggerated to make us feel alive. In that respect, 300: RoaE puts out more often than any lay you ever had and does it better.

Were there downsides? Stop reading here if you don’t know want to know what they were, but if you really want to know, really, then imma tell you. One thing that got up my nose were the floaties. i think Noam wanted us to feel we were there in the film and so he had these particles floating in the air in almost every scene. There were dust motes and wheat chaff and embers and sparks and mist floating all over the place, and they were all the more noticeable as i saw it in 3D but instead of looking like they were floating around me, i kept looking at them rather than the action.

The other thing i had a problem with were the speeches. Seriously, i know there were some in the first one but were there really this many and were they really so repetitive? i mean, the weak link in 300 were the over dramatic one-liners the Spartans kept shouting out and there were less of those here but Jesus, every 10 minutes or so i had to hear a speech about how they were fighting for a free Greece and liberty and democracy. So fucking what? i don’t give a shit why you’re fighting our who you’re fighting for, i just want you to fight and make it look good, please.

While i’m on the topic of looking good, let’s move onto Eve Green–literally would be nice but we’ll have to settle for her acting job in this movie which was just awesome. i’ve seen her in other movies and thought she was very attractive even if her boobs are much too large for my taste but she’s a beautiful brunette with blue eyes and so on and so on. But here she had a chance with a serious part and she took it all the way there and then brought it back home and taught it the meaning of life the whole time. Brava.

Finally, i’m going to have to card one of the actresses here. For those of you new to the Bar None, we have a strict policy concerning minor actresses which is 1) there are only officially released photos and 2) these photos are not included in the section with hot photos of adult actresses. Nothing age inappropriate going on here, Barmaids and Beerhounds.

The lovely Jade Chynoweth (15 at the making of the film) portrayed 13-year-old Artemesia and she did a fantastic job. A very talented actress (and dancer), Jade certainly has a brilliant career waiting for her out there on the other side of adolescence.

A sample of my notes:

• When Xerxes stands to speak above the people… Holy shit what a shot

• Was there this much history lesson in the first one?
• Visually…Holy fucking shit wow
• Eva Green kills it–rocks her role
• The story catches up to and parallels 300.
• The headless dead body falling on glass shot didn’t work
• Gorgeous. Over the top
• A lot of slo-mo but i love it, it makes the pleasure last longer
• A visual masterpiece

Not even his own soul can be sure.

One of the silly lines

• Distant shots look like Diablo

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

You know how in 300 there was only romantic talk between the queen and the queen? Yeah, not here. There’s a real sex scene and it’s way more about pounding each other than loving each other because it’s between the enemies Artemisia (Eva Green) and Themistokles (Sullivan Stapleton). At first you think Eva Green might me too famous to take off her top, then you remember she’s French. Let’s just say Eva Green topless in 3D is redundant.

Here’s a taste of that.

Eva Green Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There are more shots down at the bottom in my drawers. Scroll all the way down until you hit the warning.

We also find the lovely Lena Headey who comes up short in many departments compared to Ms Green (oh come one, i’m talking about her talent!) but still looks good enough to fill out a collage like this.

Lena Heady Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There are shots of her in the same drawers down there as well.

• [Right at the beginning a] hot woman toplessly dragged away by Persians in slo-mo with shaky boobs
• Eva Green’s breast plate has room [to protect her nipples if they get hard]
• EG’s [Eva Green] seduction scene of Themistocles is slow and out of place
• Themistocles succombs – he’s not that heroic
• Rough sex
• [Glimpse of] topless harem girls with wine

For the ladies and those that think like them

Drink: 0

Only two little references, but i didn’t really care that much ’cause i was way too much into the rest of the movie.

Who will share their wine with me?

Themistokles

• EG pours Themistokles wine on barge before sex

Rock & Roll: 5 Shots

A rare honor indeed. i was tempted to hold back a half shot for all the speechifying they made me sit through but i’m not that kind of guy and the action they had here was definitely 5-star material. They had at least four major battle scenes by my count and each of these was incredibly long yet still varied and filmed in a way easily enough to see. So many fight scenes nowdays are filmed in a blur to hide the lack of talent of the actors and the directors, but not here. Everything was slowed down and zoomed in so you were so close you could laugh at the buckets of blood being spewed around by every wound.

The music (not including the “War Pigs” mix at the end, which was incredible) was pretty boring and not as hard as the first film but it wasn’t so bad as to be distracting from the cinematography which was better than Avatar if you ask me. So un-ultra-realistic that it looked better than reality.

• Stupidly unreal blood and battles in slo-mo. i love it. This is what i came for.
• Invention of suicide bomber
• Cool sea monsters
• Great final battle sword play. Well choreographed
• War Pigs (cool mix) with credits
• Majestic end credits

300 Rise of an Empire 18 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revoze)

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Zack Snyder & Kurt Johnstad

Directed by: Noam Murro

Starring

Jade Chynoweth – 13 Year Old Artemesia
Eva Green – Artemisia
Lena Headey – Queen Gorgo
Sullivan Stapleton – Themistokles

Bottom Line

You should really see 300: Rise of an Empire because it’s like sex with your hot cousin: if you don’t think too much, it’ll be the ride of your life.

Another Round

Booze Revooze of Kick Ass

The Rod’s amazing eview of another Zack Snyder effort

WTF!? Sharknado

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

This is the warning i warned you about. From here on out, it’s nothing but sexy.

Eva Green

Eva Green in the Bar None

Lena Headey

Lena Headey in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

There are tons of ways to get lucky, and they’re all good. Proof of that is how i got lucky with Christina Jeffs.

Who is Christina Jeffs? What if i told you she went by ‘Venice’ in Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street? Remember Venice? The hot blonde dominatrix who used Leonardo Di Caprio’s ass as a candle holder? The one whose name he called out in his sleep and triggered the demise of his marriage? We all dream of being in Venice at least once in our short lives and that’s one definition of getting lucky. When i say i got lucky with Christina, however, i don’t mean i navigated her canal with my gondola, just that she agreed to an interview with me, your tender bartender.

i was waist deep in some Parisian whorehouse, lost and struggling to find the door. Pimps sporting berets and stained sailor shirts joined the heavy whores with crooked hair and wobbly heels drinking toasts in the search party sent to have me tossed from the brothel for sex crimes of the heart because we just can’t have me falling in love with every skinny, doe-eyed strumpet that comes prematurely anywhere near me. i was hiding under the blanket smells of rich desserts and perfume as cheap as a half price harlot, cowering in the self-service elevator and praying that i would somehow be able to escape the brothel with my virtue intact and my virginity found.

Suddenly the doors slid opened and i feared the worst but saw the best, Christina Jeffs had penetrated the dark recesses of the bordello to rescue me from my pursuers who reeked of stinky cheese and dirty panties. She flicked her whip and the leather strap wrapped around my neck so that she could lead me away like a dog on a leash to the safety of a closet bathroom where she plopped down on a rusty bidet and caught my breath.

“Christina Jeffs? The super hot actress who starred all over The Wolf of Wall Street? While we hide out here, can i ask you a few questions for the patronizers of the Bar None?” And she, the sweet petite potato freak that she is, said yes.

Al K Hall: “Christina” is a great name. 

Christina Jeffs: Is it?? Thank you. You are the first person to ever compliment my name!

Al K Hall: Babe, stay with me and i’ll compliment things you didn’t even know you had. It’s such a great name, i bet no one ever gave you any nicknames, right?

Christina: Some people call me CJ, Ceej, Xtina, the Sex Unicorn.

Al K Hall: Sounds horny. Speaking of hot, you used to live L. A.  and commute between there and New York. That sounds more tiring than cleaning hotel rooms under a black light.

Christina: I was just doing the things that people do in their 20s: having a great time, doing weird jobs, staying in relationships 2 years longer than I should have. THE USUAL.

Al K Hall: Really, though, is there a difference between the towns?

Christina: Well, in NY you can start drinking at noon or whenever you want, really, because you don’t have to drive anywhere, and in LA you start drinking later because you have to figure what you’re doing with your car and how many stops, and traffic, and you know–it’s a big to-do figuring out what time you’re allowed to start drinking.

Al K Hall: What’s something i’d only find about you when you were drunk?

Christina: Was I supposed to start drinking at the beginning of this interview so I could properly answer this?? I’ll start now. [She reaches down the front of her dress and pulls out this gleaming bottle of Strawberry Tequila Rose cream liqueur and starts sucking. ]

Al K Hall: Damn, you’re going at that like a babe. Something tells me tequila isn’t your only vice. What else you got?

Christina:  Tequila, gluten….is Instagram a vice?

Al K Hall: It is the way i do it. i don’t know, though. i find it hard to believe a girl as sexy and gifted as you has enough downtime for the internet. Seriously, you have boring evenings?

Christina: A boring evening for me would be, like, a bad bad date. Like, a date with someone who doesn’t know how to converse.

Al K Hall: Hey, me converse goodly.

Christina: Or someone who takes you to their house and watches you while you watch their pilot–

Al K Hall: You babysit pilots?

Christina: –NOT because you asked to see it.

Al K Hall: Ah, TV lingo.

Christina: Or someone who asks you to drive across town, shows up 25 minutes late, and then makes you split the bill. Like, do one of those things, but not all three, right???

Al K Hall: Sorry, i was having my brain washed that day. Never happen again.

Christina: So, ya, being in boring company is boring, but it can make for great material!

Al K Hall: Agreed. Let’s just hook up on Instagram.

Christina:  If that doesn’t work, check Erewhon. I go there way too much.

Al K Hall: Is that because you like French fries weirdly a lot? Seriously, what’s up with you and French fries?

Christina: I just love them.

Al K Hall: What’s your secret recipe?

Christina: If I did make them at home I would use this recipe.

Al K Hall: Do you have any fry burns in the shape of Jesus?

Christina: I don’t want to disappoint you by answering this question.

Al K Hall: Trust me, the only way you could disappoint me would be to marry me.

Christina: No, none of my scars are cool. They are all from curling irons, and toasters, and, like, falling on the treadmill. I’m hoping they fade soon. They’re ruining the landscape of my largest organ.

Al K Hall: You have a penis, too? Doesn’t make you any less hot, regardless. Is it a problem being hot and funny, though? Like people look at you and say, “Oh, you’re so attractive, you can’t possibly be funny on purpose”?

Christina: They don’t say those exact words, but I have heard, “You don’t look funny,” a lot recently.

Al K Hall: Strange, i get that all the time.

Christina: It is never specified that I don’t “look funny” because I am attractive–so we can’t assume–but either way it’s kind of dumb. No one would say to a funny looking person who isn’t funny, “BUT YOU LOOK FUNNY! WHY AREN’T YOU FUNNY!”

Al K Hall: Maybe not, but when people tell me i’m funny, i always say, “Looks aren’t everything.” But we’re drifting away from you and your hotness. Does a girl as talented and beautiful as you have any downtime?

Christina: [Laughing with modesty] Ha! No. Being talented and being beautiful are two of the most grueling, time-consuming activities EVER, and together they take up all of my time. I literally don’t do anything else.

Al K Hall: But we both know that’s not 100% true, don’t we. For example, you play the triangle and the tambourine. Which is harder?

Christina: I gotta go with triangle. I don’t know why.

Al K Hall: Did you let Iggy Pop play your triangle? ‘Cause you toured with him, am i right?

Christina: Who told you that!

Al K Hall: Not important. That one cute friend of yours who now mysteriously has no toenails on her left foot. But is it true?

Christina: Ya, kind of. I was a back up singer in my friend’s band and we were on a mini-tour with Mr. Pop. I was like, “Well, when else am I gonna go play Lollapalooza and go on tour with Iggy Pop? Probably never.” So I did it.

Al K Hall: Did you just call him “Mr. Pop”? You are so fucking adorable! Did he give you your start in “the business”?

Christina: Am I officially in “the business”? I feel like I am just starting. I have no idea what I’m doing.

Al K Hall: I don’t know about that, you sure know your way around the business end of a candle.

Christina: My first jobs were for The Onion News Network TV Show, and 2 Broke Girls. I just auditioned for those, and before that I just did stuff for free, and people I worked with became friends, and then they would recommend me to their friends, and I think that’s pretty much how it works forever.

Al K Hall: Like your comedy show with Risa Sarachan?

Christina Jeffs & Risa Sarachan doing research

Christina: Yes, very much so. We went to NYU together, and had a lot of mutual friends. I was a fan of hers, turns out we both wanted to work on something together, we had some ideas, and then we made them happen!

Al K Hall: Where do you make them happen?

Christina: We have a YouTube Channel, and risaandchristina.com. We’re working on a pilot. It’s pretty fun. And weird.

Al K Hall: Will you make me watch it, and watch me watch it when i do? ‘Cause you should’ve seen me watch you in The Wolf of Wall Street. i watched the shit out of you. You play a dominatrix called Venice…is that typecasting?

Christina: It is definitely NOT typecasting. I am the worst dominatrix. I apologized profusely after every take while peeling the wax of Leo’s back.

Al K Hall: Mmmm, i bet you did a lot of research for a long time.

Christina: Um, i did NO research on dominatrices because it was a last minute decision by Sandy Powell, the costume designer, to make me a dominatrix.

Al K Hall: Really?

Christina: I was supposed to be naked.

Al K Hall: Let’s do that scene right now, shall we? i’ve got the will if you’ve got three minutes. i might be able to make it up to 3 and ½ but don’t hold your breath. No? Have it your way. You were talking about Sandy the costume designer…

Christina: Right before I was supposed to rehearse, Sandy’s assistant came into the hair and makeup trailer, and he was like, “There’s discussion about your costume, we might need a more fierce makeup look”. I was like, “Um, whut costume?”

Al K Hall: Because naked.

Christina: So I go in, and she was like, “I have this Thierry Mugler bodysuit from 1992 I’ve been dying to use in the movie, and I feel like this is it’s moment. If there’s a candle and wax involved, I feel like he [Leonardo DiCaprio's character, Jordan Belfort] called you to perform this specific service.” And I was like, “Perfect.” Then someone is like, “Well, Marty just has to approve it.” And she was like, “He’ll do whatever I want.” Because she’s a badass. But we still showed it to him, and he thought it was great so it stayed.

Al K Hall: How do you describe that scene to people who haven’t seen it?

Christina: “I sodomize Leo with a candle. / I extract a candle from Leo’s ass. / I engage in light anal play with Leo. / I abuse Leo and his anus.” Anything along those lines.

Al K Hall: Works for me. Did you use a real candle on Leo’s real back?

Christina: Ya, it was a Japanese wax drip candle, but it was still super hot, and he was actually in pain.

Al K Hall: i bet he wanted to keep going even after the scene.

Christina: He watched the takes after every scene.

Al K Hall: Really? He wasn’t all over you like hot actresses on free French fries?

Christina: I think the best way to describe him is SUPES PROFESH.

Al K Hall: That’s my favorite stripper’s name! What was the shoot like?

Christina: So so so fun. Marty was giggling the whole time–were all cracking up because candles in the ass are hilarious.

Al K Hall: Ass candles are the origin of the expression “butt of the joke”, in fact.

Christina: Everyone was so cool. I felt like a part of the gang for a minute. The propmaster had been with Marty since Good Fellas, and he was telling me stories. We talked a lot because he was helping me handle the candles.

Al K Hall: i bet he was. Speaking of, how was Martin Scorsese to work with?

Christina: Adorable.

Al K Hall: Did you call him “Marty”?

Christina: I called him “Marty” in my mind, and then ever since I shot the scene I’ve acted like we’re best friends, and I call him “Marty” whenever I talk about him. SO, I guess the answer to that is “no”.

Al K Hall: Was he all nervous and jumpy on the set?

Christina: He wasn’t nervous, he just giggled. Maybe it was nervous giggles, I don’t know! I have to say though, there are few things that make you feel better than making Scorsese laugh so hard that he collapses and rolls around on a bed. Was that a humblebrag? Hang on. I’m playing a drinking game with myself where I have to do a shot every time I humblebrag.

Al K Hall: Maybe you should do a double shot, then. Do you still have nightmares about his eyebrows?

Christina: No! I love a thick brow! I wish mine were bigger like young Brooke Shields! BACK TO ME! AND MY EYEBROWS!

Al K Hall: AND THE BOOZE! Because this is for the Bar None, i gotta ask if there was a wrap party.

Christina: Like, beyond my personal wrap party where I drank my margarita and cried into my guacamole for 5 for 1 because I was sad to be done? Probably, but I wasn’t invited.

Al K Hall: Damn but i love a good guac. In a gross miscarriage of judgment, you weren’t nominated for an Academy Award.

Christina: WHAT?!

Al K Hall: How pissed off are you?

Christina: PRETTY PISSED.

Al K Hall: Now’s your chance: i present you with your Oscar, what do you say in your speech?

Christina: I probably just cry and think of great things to say, and people I forgot to thank as soon as I get off stage.

Al K Hall: Anyway, now that The Wolf of Wall Street is going to make you an international star–

Christina: –ha–

Al K Hall: –what do you have your sights set on?

Christina: I want to play Jason Mantzoukas‘ love interest in The League.

Al K Hall: You’re too good for him. Plus, after this chat, no one will be able to get enough of you so what’s the best way to get the most of you?

Christina: For immediate, consistent stuff, you can subscribe to my YouTube channel! I just put out a movie about Ranch dressing, and I have a bunch more coming up. [AlKHallism: i just watched the Ranch Documentary and lloled (literally laughed out loud)--you've got to see the Wine with Ranch scene, especially as i'm thinking about adding that to the menu.]

Al K Hall: Because you gave me the idea for Ranch wine for the Bar None, it think it’s only fair we cut right to the Bar None questionnaire. Think of it like filming a nude scene…because that’s what i’ll be doing. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Christina: Tequila / rocks / lime.

Al K Hall: When was the last time you had a hangover?

Christina:  March 11th because march 10th was my birthday.

Al K Hall: Happy birthday! And speaking of, what’s your favorite swear word? Do you swear? A lot?

Christina:  I swear so fucking much. I think my favorite word is “fuck”.

Al K Hall: Finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?

Christina: Your MYSTERY! And your great taste in minor characters in The Wolf of Wall Street.

Al K Hall: Tell me something i don’t know!

Christina: Ranch dressing was the first dairy-based dressing that was shelf stabilized. Clorox bought the recipe for the dressing for 8 million dollars in 1972–it was just buttermilk, mayonnaise, and herbs–from Hidden Valley Ranch, and then they tweaked the recipe with the right chemicals so that people could enjoy it long after it hit the shelves. It was an instant hit, and it’s still the nation’s #1 dressing.

Al K Hall: Any last words?

Christina: FIND ME ON INSTAGRAM AND THESE DON’T HAVE TO BE OUR LAST WORDS!

She’s hotter than bacon, y’all

And with that, she yanked my chain and pulled me out of les toilettes. With her innate sense of Parisian bordellos, she successfully evaded our pursuers by smelling their cheese sweats until, like most things French, they decided to surrender and accept their fate with a  philosophical abandon and a bottle of cheap wine. 

Which, tragically, brings this interview to an end. Let me just remind you that, to my great chagrin, Christina and i were never together in a French maison close, or anywhere else on this physical plane. Our entire interview was conducted via email and though i changed a lot of shit up to make my parts more interesting, i left her words exactly as she sent them because why tamper with perfection?

i’d like to thank Christina Jeffs for being such a good sport about this and putting up with all my bullshit. It’s a lot to ask from anyone, yet Christina was inordinately generous, especially during this busy period in TV / pilot land. If anyone asks you about Christina Jeffs, tell them that in addition to being spectacularly beautiful, she’s SUPES PROFESH (and not in the stripper sense).

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.

You know me, i’m not gonna lie to you or if i do, i’ll tell you first or just right after. Unfortunately, there are fuck tons of people out there who are going to lie to you and the only reason they’re doing it is to farm your ‘Likes’ on their Facebook pages.

On this one chick’s Facebook page, i saw a link to a piece called “7 Reasons Why You Will Never Do Anything Amazing With Your Life“. i go there and it’s pretty much average motivational crap stuck under a provocative headline to get your attention and to make you believe you’re not good enough.

Check this, i could do the same fucking thing and i’ll even time my ass to show you how easy this kind of article is.

Titillating title: 7 Reasons You Will Never Know True Love

1. You don’t love yourself
2. You look in the wrong places
3. You can’t let go of your past
4. You have too many criteria
5. You don’t know how to recognize love
6. You don’t laugh out loud enough
7. You are too focused on yourself

There you go. That took me 01:41. One minute and 41.4 seconds to write that outline.

Before you start saying, “But Al, Raymmar Tirado’s tips weren’t as simple and ordinary as yours,” imma call bullshit.

You know what he wrote in his article? ”You don’t ask enough questions,” “you don’t read enough books”… shit like that. You don’t know how much i read, Rainman, and reading a book a day still won’t guarantee me the Nobel Peace Prize. Hell, how many pictures do you see of Jesus reading books? He did some amazing shit and the only question he asked was, “Why me, Lord?” when the hung his ass on the cross.

Plus, who is Raymmar Tirado to tell us what to do? Like he’s an expert on doing amazing things. Have you ever heard of his amazing ass? i haven’t. The only amazing thing he’s done in his life is to write that piece of shit article telling you that suck.

Like i said up at the top, i won’t lie to you like Rayman did. i’m all about the coming clean, so here are the 7 Real Reason You Will Never Succeed

1. You are not rich enough

2. You were born in the wrong class

3. You did not go to the right university

4. You do not have the right connections

5. You have a moral compass

6. You have family and friends you care about

7. You do amazing things every day

Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Marvin Gaye - This I Know

[Press 'Play' for the song that is all Cap'n missed when he was frozen, according to The Falcon]

Once again, i had the pleasure of seeing this early because in Yeaman, we’re all so premature. As proof, i offer up this collage of screen shots i took on my phone for the sole purpose of proving i was actually deep in winter before you, messing up all that virgin snow with my ugly footprints. The background image is from the end credits…

Ramblings: A Hot Winter

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with the ugly sister? You already got drunk once with the hot sister and it was OK as getting drunk goes but you didn’t get any and you never will because she’s not accessible no matter how drunk she gets but you don’t even give a shit because when you see her you realize she wasn’t that hot to begin with. The ugly sister’s not the same bag of worms or kettle of beer because when you sit down across from her your expectations are dirt low but she starts to get her drink on and boozed up and let’s her hair down and she’s not nearly as ugly as you thought because you find yourself having way more fun than you thought you would because this chick is cool and maybe ‘cool’ means ‘beautiful’ in a way because the ugly sister knows how to have a blast and give you one too. After you leave the bar arm in arm using each other as walking sticks laughing each other’s asses off and she follows you home and you keep her happy because you see a lot more action with the ugly sister than you ever would the hot one and maybe you’ll feel a little guilty and ashamed the next day but for right now you’re getting off and right now counts a hell of a lot when you start counting. Captain America: The Winter Soldier is that ugly sister you might accidentally fall a little in love with.

i wasn’t a big fan of Captain America: The First Avenger because i don’t like my super heroes kitsch and that first one was super fucking olde tyme-y with olde tyme-y action and uniforms and romance so old it felt like i was watching Captain America on the Prairie. So i wasn’t really all that psyched to see this one because i was expecting another PG-13 hero fest rather than a raunchy ‘R’ hero i could count on to get me off.

Because of all that, no one was more surprised than i was by how well this one turned out. The story here was tight, moved along at a good pace and just seemed to take Captain America more seriously than the first film did, which meant we take him more seriously as well. i mean, what action they put in here was strong and original enough to be interesting, plus there was no real romance this time and that worked really well for me because Super Hero romance is like Wonder Woman’s period: i know it happens but i don’t want to see it.

The other things i don’t want to see is Chris Evans who is the worst actor of the Marvel group, but he’s getting a little better with practice or else they took a shitload of takes and waited for him to get it right like a monkey banging a typewriter getting Shakespeare right. Course they didn’t really make him stretch as an artist either, which works out best for everyone. Ironic that he’s the guy i hate the most and this is one of the Super films i liked the most.

See, what cracks me up when i think about it (which is pretty much never) is that films about the heavy hitter heroes usually suck to a pretty big degree, and i’m talking about you Superman, Iron Man, Spiderman and every Batman except The Dark Knight (which is still the ultimate super film by which all future super hero films will be judged), while the movies about the minor heroes (both Thor movies rocked) hold their own and often beat out the majors. Of course, The Avengers is in a class by itself as well, but Captain America: The Winter Soldier makes the wait for Avengers 2 a hell of a lot easier.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ shots

First off, there was a hell of a lot more Scarlett Johansson here than i expected to see. i guess because Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow isn’t going to get her own film, they had to let her share this one which worked out for me because i really fuckin don’t like Chris Evans as an actor so looking at Scarlett was a lot more fun. It would’ve been even more fun if they’d have let her look more like this.

Scarlett Johansson Boobs Bar None wallpaper – Click on the photo for a wallpaper

There are some huge, individual shots of her in my drawers at the bottom of this post. Just scroll all the way down until you reach her bottom.

Then there was also a girl a lot of geeks were afraid of because she’s some kind of young teen actress and everyone was nerding out all comically as to how much she would ruin this movie. The good news is, Emily VanCamp doesn’t suck (at acting), her screen time is not enormous, and she looks like the 27-year-old she is in real life and not like this.

Emily VanCamp Bar None wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Lots of drawer shots of her down there as well. Just look for the Scarlett photos at the end of this article and keep heading south.

There was also Hayley Awtell who was the love disinterest in The First Avenger and who was only in one scene here (not including a flashback) where she plays this old fucking woman in her sickbed and Captain America comes over to throw her a pity fuck (probably, but they don’t show it–still, he’s a super nice guy and he did kind of break her heart by getting cryogenically frozen when she was in her prime so i like to think he did her a solid by giving her his). In order to do that, though, he had to close his eyes and imagine something that looked a lot like this.

Hayley Atwell Bar None wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There was also Colbie Smothers or whatever her name is. She was the (what the fuck is her job, anyway?) in The Avengers and she was the same thing here. (Seriously, does anyone know what her job is? If you do, could you tell me in the comments?) Not a lot of screen time, which kind of sucks because i’d prefer to look at her than Chris Evans.

Cobie Smulders Wallpaper – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper

Here’s the blow by blow:

• Girl at veteran’s meeting [was hot--unfortunately, i couldn't find her in the IMDB credits to ask her for an interview; if anyone reading this knows who the hot girl speaking at the veteran's association meeting was, please let me know]
• Loads of Scarlett in this
• Down blouse shot of Natasha in the chopper

Drink:0 shots

Just one scene where Robert Redford toasts his enemies with champagne in his office before launching the aircraft carrier planes.

Rock & Roll: 4½ shots

Very solid performance with the action. There were more than just a couple of major action sequences and each of these was distinct and well directed, avoiding clichés and sloppy jumpy action.

Speaking of people i haven’t heard of who aren’t major enough to get their own films, we meet The Falcon in this film, who i never heard about because i’m too busy looking for photos of hot actresses. Anyway, i’m guessing he’ll be featured in the next Avengers movie and they were running out of places to stick him so Captain America got lucky because they stuck The Falcon in his. At least he makes sense in the film and his flying scenes were well done so he doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb.

Also, the bad guy, The Winter Soldier, was a true badass and looked the part, especially when he had his mouth guard thing on. Even after it fell off he still looked more awesome than Bucky in The First Avenger.

The blow by blow:

• Ship infiltration at beginning not bad. Nicely choreographed fight with Frenchie
• Cap’n's escape scene [from infiltrators at SHIELD] good
• Stan Lee cameo as a museum security guard: Oh man, I’m so fired.
• Fighting Winter Soldier with black guy & Scarlett [super cool]
• Well done climax

BTW, the bonus scene at the end of the credits shows us to psycho twins, one who’s super hyper and another who can make blocks float with her mind, which i’m guessing will be key in the Avengers 2.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: 

Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely – screenplay
Ed Brubaker – concept and story
Joe Simon & Jack Kirby – comic book

Directed by:

Anthony Russo & Joe Russo
Joss Whedon – director: post-credits scene

Starring

Scarlett Johansson – Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow
Emily VanCamp – Sharon Carter / Agent 13
Cobie Smulders – Maria Hill
Hayley Atwell – Peggy Carter
Sebastian Stan – Bucky Barnes / Winter Soldier
Chris Evans – Steve Rogers / Captain America
Samuel L. Jackson – Nick Fury
Robert Redford – Alexander Pierce
Anthony Mackie – Sam Wilson / The Falcon
Stan Lee – Museum Staff

Bottom Line

If *i* liked a Chris Evans’ Captain America film, you are going to fucking love it.

Another Round

To get caught up before Winter Soldier: WTF!? Captain America: The First Avenger

Booze Revooze: The Avengers

The Hot Rod’s take on Iron Man

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more words…The babes below will leave you speechless because what follows is pretty NSFW.

Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson in the Bar None

Scarlett Johansson in the Bar None

Emily VanCamp

Emily VanCamp AssAssin short shorts

Emily VanCamp in the Bar None

Hayley Atwell

Hayley Atwell in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Alicia Keys ft. Kendrick Lamar – It’s On Again

Ramblings: The Adequate Spider-man 2

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a hot girl at a party? You already met her before and feel comfortable with her even if she was a little boring but she still was pretty cool and you were kind of looking forward to seeing her again so it puts a smile on your face when you walk into the room and find her there. Then you guys start hanging out and she’s doing keg stands in a mini skirt so you’re thinking it’s gonna be a hearty party but then she comes over to where you’re sitting on the sofa and plops down beside you and starts talking about all of her problems like her ex and how her life is complicated and her dead uncle and her crappy job and how money is tight and you listen politely because she’s hot but you’re only waiting for her to turn things up a notch again, which she finally does at the end so the evening wasn’t a total waste but you’d be a hell of a lot more interested in seeing her again if she’d grabbed your attention and squeezed the entire time. The Amazing Spider-man 2 is so like that girl and so like that party.

“I got blue balls!”

i had an extremely not unpleasant time seeing this film. Pro’lly most of the people reading this want to see it too so i’ll start off with the good shit. Like the special effects were great from beginning to end, but at an estimated production cost of $200,000,000, you get what you pay for. Also, Andrew Garfunkel (Garfield, whatever) acts better in this one than he did the first one. Plus, the musical score kicked ass. There you go. If you don’t want to see me criticize this movie until it cries like a little bitch, you should stop here.

“Imma punch your punk ass.”

Because the special effects were good but designed for 3D, so if you see it in 2D, you’ll catch yourself wondering what it would look like in 3D and that’s distracting. Or maybe it’s just me. And Andrew Garfield (like the cat but less funny and he reminds me of Art Garfunkel’s love grandchild) acts better than the first one but still not really well. Even Emma Stone only brought her C game, which is the grade she would’ve gotten if this was a class, of which she had none.

“Hang on a sec.”

My main complaint about The not-so-Amazing Spider-man 2 was the lack of bad guy screen time. The bad guys they had rocked but they just weren’t in the movie enough. They were kind of like rap stars that get paid shitloads of money to make an appearance at a club and then after they show their faces, they take off to go to a better place and have fun. That’s what the antagonists (Greek word for ‘bad guys’, or Uncle Agonist’s wife) did in this movie.

“Guess who I ran into, today…”

Look, you and i both know i’m not going to talk you out of seeing this movie (like i actually did to a real guy with Pompeii) and i’m not even trying to. All i’m doing is telling you to be realistic and don’t get your hopes up about a movie that gets things done, but takes the long way to get there.

Driving a hard bargain

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 shot

Am i the only one who heard that story about Emma Stone a couple years ago that she was in a bathroom before she was famous like she is today and these two young girls came up to her for an autograph and she treated them like shit, telling them to get a life and that she was too good for their asses? i swear i heard this and since then, i can’t find it in my heart to find her sexy again. OK, that’s bullshit, of course i find her sexy, i’m a straight guy with eyes and a beating heart, but because i have a heart i can’t think of her as anything more than just eye candy.

These expressions are 99% of every relationship. The other 1% is sex. Which is enough to put up with the other 99%.

And the candy shop was closed here because she was almost as covered up as Spider-man for the entire film and, let’s face it, as a blonde she looks pretty–ridiculous. We’re a long way from Easy A. In other words, before the movie, stock up on your eye candy here, where she’s cheaper.

Emma Stone Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

And here’s a free shot for you patrons. It’s Emma Stone hanging out with her hot besties. Ah, how i’d love to come between friends.

i’d love to come between friends

Speaking of, check this out.

There’ll be some more shots of her in my drawers, all the way at the bottom of this post, so just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.

The other sexual frustration in the movie was Felicity Jones (as Felicia). She’s this beautiful young English lass and she was on screen about as much as the bad guys, which means not nearly long enough. You get to see a lot more of her here than there, and i do mean ‘more’ of her.

Felicity Jones Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’s a handful of shots of her in my drawers as well, rubbing on top of the ones of Emma Stone.

Silken Butterflies

The lovely Jessica Abo plays herself, which means the role of a TV reporter, and she’s all over the news in New York (as a presenter, not a psycho zombie lead story). Look how pretty:

For those of you more interested in Spider Men than Spied Her Lady Parts, Dane DeHaan (the guy from Chronicle) was the sweetest meat in this.

Dane DeHaan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Drink: 1 Shot

Nothing to write home about, or in this review either for that matter. There were a couple of scenes where we see Harry Osborn drink scotch from a decanter and one time he complains to his dying father about how for his sixteenth birthday he got a bottle of scotch and a card from his dad’s assistant.

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

Definitely the best part of the movie and i would have gone higher if there’d been more action. i didn’t want to say anything up top because of the Spoilers thing but down here i already gave a spoiler warning so if you’re still reading and you don’t want any spoilers you should stop right now.

Harold looks like shit

Because the bad guy (Jamie Foxx as Electro) was a cool looking mother fucker but he wasn’t in most of the movie. He made an appearance at the end for the main fight but that was basically it. Same with the Green Goblin. In a supreme moment of WTF, Harry happens to find a Green Goblin suit standing right in front of him when he’s suffering from the side effects of injecting spider venom into himself and then he flies off in it to fight Spider-man at the end of the movie, too. And then, also at the end of the movie, Spider-man fights Rhino but it’s so at the end of the movie that they don’t even have time to finish fighting before the credits roll.

The Hard-nosed approach

The other really cool hing was the music, by Hans Zimmer who made the right choice to go electronic because of the enemy being Electro and all. i’m not even a big fan of that kind of “music” but what they put here worked for me and especially for the movie.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci & Jeff Pinkner - (screenplay)

Alex Kurtzman , Roberto Orci, Jeff Pinkner and James Vanderbilt - (screen story)

Stan Lee and Steve Ditko - (Marvel comic book)

Directed by: Marc Webb

Starring

Emma Stone – Gwen Stacy
Felicity Jones – Felicia
Jessica Abo – NY1 Reporter
Andrew Garfield – Spider-Man / Peter Parker
Jamie Foxx – Electro / Max Dillon
Dane DeHaan – Green Goblin / Harry Osborn

Bottom Line

Would lose a battle against any of the Avenger Superhero movies (except Ironmen 2 & 3, who both sucked).

As a small PS, while i’m not a big fan of either Emma Stone or Alexander Garfield (wait, wasn’t that a US president?), i do want to give them props for this:

Nice move: Credit where credit is due

Another Round

The Rod takes a look at the first in the series

Because WTF!? reviews are funny as shit

WTF!? review of a hotter Emma Stone by Saint Pauly

Booze Revooze: Captain America kicks Spidey’s ass

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Nothing left but some of those NSFW photos i talked about up there.

Emma Stone

Bare AssAssin Skirt

Emma Stone in the Bar None

Felicity Jones

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

(9 if you don’t include the one everyone already though of.) Palcohol, powered alcohol for the movers and martini shakers out there, is trying to get approval. Staying on top of things is what i do (until i get pushed off, anyway) and in keeping with that tradition, i’ve already thought of 10 alternate uses for powdered booze.

1. Snort it

Smells Like Teen Spirits

2. Spice your Food with it

Spice is the variety of life

3. Powder your Milk with it

I’ll have a double

4. Eat it like Candy

Sugar Buzz

5. Bottle it as Sand Art

It’s not tacky if it can get you drunk

6. Wear it as Body Glitter

What many users will have in common

7. Make a Zen Garden with it

“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional, booze is the difference.” - Brewda

8. Line your Glass with it

A Rim Shot

9. Use it as a Mixer

Double Hit: Mix instant whiskey with whiskey

10. Brush your Teeth with it

For Alcohol On Your Breath

Other Top 10 Lips

Cara Delevingne Kissing Girls Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

From the juiced-box and dedicated to Reese Witherspoon, Zooey Deschanel, Kate Upton and Cara Delevignge…

Aerosmith – Love in an Elevator

[Press 'Play' for "Drunk in an elevator / Throwing it up after tossing it down..."]

Have you ever played that game, “If you could invite any 5 living people to a dinner party, who would it be?” Well, imagine you play that game, and then those 5 people ended up having dinner together. Freaky, right?

You know me (and if you don’t, you ought to know better), i’m not as intelligent as you, so i don’t play that game. When it’s not with myself, i play  “What four people would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?” After years of perfecting my selection, i came up with the definitive list of four people i want to be stuck in an elevator with and it’s this:

1. Cara Delevingne (because she’s on every list i’ve ever invented ever)
2. Zooey Deschanel
3. Kate Upton
4. Reese Witherspoon (i bumped off Jesus to include her)

All drunk, of course.

Even more surprising than the perfection of this list is the fact that it all came true, even the drunk part. Here’s the video proof of that.

That vid is also all the proof i need to know that Reese Witherspoon doesn’t read my blog. i already said once in a post where i talked about Cara Delevingne being a LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober Honey), that the correct pronunciation of her name is “Car-ah De La Vagina“. Well, Reese was unaware so when she met Cara, hilarity ensued when she tried to pronounce Cara’s name. Also because she was drunk.

Speaking of her name, here’s a sound bite of Cara pronouncing the alternate, non “de la vagina” version of her name:

i have also come to the official conclusion that Cara Delevingne is not a L.U.S.H., but a young girl playing with the notion of bisexuality and everything else she can get her hands on. i do have photographic proof of that as well, of course.

Cara Delevingne goes both ways

Anyway, there’s tons of NSFW shots of this hot mess at the very bottom of these dregs.

Have you thanked your booze today?

Bar None Dregs

Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

All About Al K Hall

WTF!?

From simple fan to simpleton blogger, my pupee, my mental, my proto-gay Saint Pauly’s website is building an audience in its own right. Let’s face it, he’s funnier than i am and i’m not just saying that because his WTF!? website is taking off and i have to stay on his good side.

Check out this review of another hot bisexual, if you don’t believe me.

WTF!? Review of Amber Heard in “All the Boys Love Mandy Lane”

Al K Hall’s Drawers

What follows is NSFW. You’ve been warned, and you shouldn’t be reading the above shit at work anyway.

Cara Delevingne

Cara Delevingne in the Bar None with Rihanna

Cara Delevingne in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None)

Kate Upton

Kate Upton AssAssin Panties

Zooey Deschanel

Zooey Deschanel in the Bar None

Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None

Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

From the juiced-box and the film: Elvis Presley – Devil in Disguise

[Press 'Play' for what happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas]

Ramblings: Goodzilla

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with an old friend? He’s cool and brings something for you to drink and lets you pick the tunes and he’s been with you a long time so he’s as familiar as your favorite booth in the corner bar. Hanging out with him is nice because you know him so well you get comfortable right away and settle into your routine and even if he’s taken steroids and some speed with his drink, he’s still the same old guy you’ve always been able to count on. Godzilla is that old friend.

There’s a lot to like about this Godzilla dude. Sometimes there’s movies i really look forward to seeing, only when i get there i usually wind up all disappointed because these super heroes and monsters and robots don’t live up to their own hype. In the end they always have some fatal flaw that ruins it for me and i usually end up wishing they’d made the movie i wanted to see and not the one they showed me. The good news here is that Godzilla delivered what i wanted and, while he didn’t impress the shit out of me, at least he didn’t let me down.

It’s a solid movie with a good story and pretty fast paced, which means there’s more than just one action scene at the beginning and at the end. The actors do their acting thing even if none of the roles really are that much of a stretch for anyone. Bryan Cranston can act without even trying and here he doesn’t have to. Sally Hawkins is as cute as an English button but all she has to do is walk around and act surprised.

The big shock in the cast? Elizabeth Olsen (the non-twin) delivered the strongest performance of the film other than the monster. Sure, she cheated a little because “Elle Brody” is the only one in the movie that has any emotional range, but at least she didn’t drop the balls when exploring her character’s depth.

As for the special effects, they were often pretty good. However, the reason i stopped at 3½ shots here was because the action was sometimes a little muddied and the monsters’ fight scenes were often filmed in dark, smoky conditions and i suspect this was to “hide the wires” rather than for moody realism. Still, overall, the action was decent and regular, and the not so special effects didn’t hurt the film all that much.

Basically, if you think you’re going to like Godzilla, you’ll love it, and if you think it’s going to suck, you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

Elizabeth Olsen is the younger, taller, hotter sister of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen (the mini bookends that were the darlings of American TV and kids’ movies). They didn’t age as gracefully as their untwin and they can’t act as well, either. Basically, Elisabeth got the looks and the talent, which is normal when you think about it because the twins had to share everything they got in two.

Elizabeth Olsen is bending over in the middle

Let me just say again, though, that the 1 shot here has nothing to do with her talent. Elizabeth really came through multiple times in Godzilla and proved she’s more than just a pretty face i hope to see a lot more of.

Unfortunately, whoever directed this film (Gareth Edwards) decided to concentrate more on the monster special effects than sex and more on his PG-13 rating than nudity. In your nutshell, this means this wallpaper is hotter than anything you’ll see of her in the film.

Elizabeth Olsen Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)

There’s some more single shots of her hanging out deep in my drawers, so just scroll down until you hit pay dirty.

Also hot in this movie is Sally Hawkins who i’ve been crushing on forever, like since i saw her in this one English movie called Happy-Go-Lucky because she’s a good actress and cute and has a constellation of moles i’d like to spend all night drawing out and naming one time.

Sally Hawkins Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)

i put some shots of her down in my drawers, too. Including one cool one of her moles.

Drink: 0 Shots

The only time we even see booze is when Ford Brody (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) has some wine with his wife (Elle Brody / Elizabeth Olsen) when he comes back from a tour of duty in the Navy.

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

The real reason i went 4 shots on the action was that there was a lot of it and it lasted throughout the whole movie. Much of what they put up on the screen, though, was a little confused and dark so i felt a little cheated like maybe whoever fucked up Pacific Rim could have come here and done just the action scenes because those were the best part of PR.

Remember, there are spoilers here!

• It takes 45 minutes to see a monster, but there is action before that
• There are a couple of surprising deaths, which is a real plus for this film. It also serves to keep us focused on the monsters
• There are 3 monsters here: A boy Muto (giant spider cricket), a girl Muto and Godzilla
• Godzilla kicks ass like a boss, and is the true hero of the film

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: 

Max Borenstein (screenplay)
Dave Callaham (story)

Directed by: Gareth Edwards

Starring

Elizabeth Olsen – Elle Brody
Sally Hawkins – Vivienne Graham
Bryan Cranston – Joe Brody
Aaron Taylor-Johnson – Ford Brody

Another Round

A much better review of a much worse film

Booze Revooze of “301″

WTF!? Review of a movie with a similar poster

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

What happens in my drawers stays in my drawers, and is often NSFW!

Elizabeth Olsen

Elizabeth Olsen getting hit on by some old guy in the Bar None

Sally Hawkins

Click on this shot to zoom in on her moles

Sally Hawkins in the Bar None

Sally Hawkins in the Bar None: Cheers!

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Roberta Flack – The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

[Press 'Play' for a taste of 1973]

Ramblings: The X Factor

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you get drunk at an office party on a Thursday night? All of the gang is there, it’s the same people you don’t get drunk with all day at work and they’re here again but they look a little unusual and act a little cooler and the office is still the normal office but it looks kind of weird because it’s late at night and the lighting’s different than during the day. You have a good time and you let your hair down, and you unbutton an extra button on your shirt while you flirt with danger and the office hottie, but at the same time you never forget where you are so you don’t let yourself go crazy and you’re home by 2am and ready for work the next day. X-Men: Days of Future Past was as fun and as safe as that office party.

i originally wasn’t planning on going with 4 shots for this film but X-Men: Days of Future Past was ½ shot better than Godzilla and i gave that 3½ shots so there you go, a 4-shot movie.

Why hesitate to go the full 4? X-M:DoFP accomplished what it set out to do very well, but it didn’t set out to do all that much. It’s a solid movie with a story that’s easy enough to follow, even for me, and this despite jumping around in time all over the place. The acting was nice and not just Jennifer Lawrence who can do no wrong here in the Bar None, but even people i’m not big fans of weren’t too annoying. (i have nothing against Hugh Jackman because you can make “Hugh Jass” or “Hugh Jackass” jokes about his name, but i hate Wolverine with a passion partly because his last movie sucked Hugh Jass and mostly because his hair cut is what they should give pedophiles so they stand out from the crowd and make it easier for us to spot and hate on.)

Floppy hippie peace sign hat’s off to Bryan Singer who directed all this because most of the movie takes place in 1973 and i know from personal experience (mescal flashbacks) that this is what 1973 exactly looked like. Even the Pepsi product placement signs were vintage. The movie–like Kaley Cuoco’s boobs at 18–had an authentic look and feel.

Also, the special effects were very good. i saw this bad boy in (passive) 3D and there was enough eye candy to keep me interested and i’m not talking about trying to see if Mystique wears panties when she’s blue. It looked good and it moved at a good pace with only one really noticeable slow spot which they got out of the way at the beginning and was when they had to tell us the story of all the X-Men movies.

Why hesitate then? Because the film was missing the spark that set movies like The Avengers above the flood of super hero cinema. There was nothing special and when i see a film, i want special. i want to get excited about a movie, to get goosebumps, to guy cry a little. i want to feel kind of drunk when i watch a movie, especially because i’m an alcoholic who stopped drinking and can’t get drunk the normal way any more.

Finally, and being careful not to give away any spoilers, i felt a sense of “So what?” when the movie ended. Like it was a good movie but didn’t contribute anything to the X-Men anthology. Sure, it was better than all 3 of the first X-Men combined (i’m a Hugh Jater of those movies), but not as important as First Class.

At the end, you’ll give it a warm round of applause, but you won’t jump to your feet and yell “encore”.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 shots

Many, many beautiful women here (OK, three beautiful women, but in my life, that constitutes “many”). Then there’s knowing that Jennifer Lawrence is walking around naked except for a little polyurethane net and some body paint and you have all the fixings for a hot ticket. Apart from that, no sex or nudity, though there is a reference made that Mystique / Raven and Erik / Magneto had something X rated going on for a while.

Here’s what the majestic Jennifer Lawrence looks like when she’s not blue.

Young Jennifer Lawrence Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers, down below. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the warning.

Also thrown in the mix is Ellen Page, my newest favorite lesbian. Here in the Bar None we welcome lesbians with open arms and not just because they’re hot. We have a strict no-hating policy here, including sexual preference, race, religion, politics and drink choice. Because none of those things stands in the way of hotness. Witness:

Ellen Page in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’s more single body shots of her down below as well.

Rounding things up, there was this super hot Chinese woman named Fan Bingbing who covered up all her goods because she played a mutant called Blink, like “Blink and you’ll miss her”. Fortunately, i’ve got this capture of her here for y’all.

Fan Bingbing Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

i threw some shots of her in my drawers as well. Dig down deep and enjoy.

On one final note, for those of you who prefer Y-chromosomes to X-women, Hugh Jackson shows his naked ass in this movie. i’m not gay, but i’d like to have that ass…as mine.

Drink: ½ Shot

Not a lot of booze here and what they had wasn’t key to the plot, so if they’re not going to make the effort, neither am i.

• Young Charles Xavier drinks vodka from a scotch glass
• Russian and Vietnamese soldiers drink in a Paris disco
• Vietnamese officer orders a bottle of Johnny Walker at the bar
• Charles drinks whiskey on a private jet to Paris

Slurred Speeches

I haven’t had a real sip in 10 years.

Erik drinking whiskey on the plane to Paris after his escape from prison

Rock & Roll: 4 shots

Very good special effects, (you won’t believe what happens to the baseball park) and regular action scenes with a minimum of backtalk left me satisfied in this domain. While there was no real rock and roll to the movie, they did have “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” twice and the escape scene with Jim Croce’s “Time in a Bottle” was killer. So yeah, imma go 4 shots on this.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Jane Goldman, Simon Kinberg, Matthew Vaughn – story
Simon Kinberg – screenplay

Directed by: Bryan Singer

Starring

Jennifer Lawrence – Raven / Mystique
Ellen Page – Kitty Pryde
Fan Bingbing – BlinkHugh Jackman – Logan / Wolverine
James McAvoy – Charles Xavier
Michael Fassbender – Erik Lehnsherr
Peter Dinklage – Dr. Bolivar Trask
Evan Peters – Peter / Quicksilver

Bottom Line

A movie you don’t need to be a fanboy to like

Another Round

WTF!? hilarious review of a much worse film

Fernby Films’ awesome review of Part 1

Booze Revooze of “Capatain America: Winter Soldier”

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

What happens in my drawers stays in my drawers, and is also pretty NSFW.

Jennifer Lawrence

My exclusive interview with Jennifer Lawrence in the Bar None

Jennifer Lawrence in the Bar None

Ellen Page

Fan Bingbing

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

[AllKHallism: i feel it only fair to point out to those of you new to the Bar None that, while i may be reviewing a child's film here, there is NOTHING appropriate for children in this Booze Revooze. While Maleficant was PG, The Bar None: High and Dry is definitely NC-18. If you keep reading beyond this point, you only have yourself to blame, perv.]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Lana Del Ray - Once Upon a Dream

[Press 'Play' for sleepy beauty]

As i’m posting this review a day before its US release, i’m posting a screen shot i snapped as proof i actually did see this.

Ramblings: Magneficent

Final Proof: 4½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a blonde? She sits down at your table and you know exactly what tricks she’s got up her sleeves so you settle in with a smirk on your face and sip your drink while you wait for her to get ridiculous and puke in her purse. But right from the beginning she seems normal and even a little cool, so you sit up and take notice and start getting into the conversation with her while she casts her spell on you. The amazing thing is she doesn’t get drunker and sloppier and stupider but gets more interesting and more sincere and by the end of the binge you’re praying she can pull off her exit without letting you down, breaking your heart and cursing your luck. Fortunately, she takes her leave with subtle magic and you’re so impressed with your evening you stand up and applaud as she walks away. Angelina Jolie is not that blonde, but Maleficant sure is.

‘High’ Five

The best movie i’ve seen so far this year. i don’t worship at the cult of Angelina Jolie, i’m Disney neutral - neither loving nor hating everything they do on principal because i have none – i’m older than 9 (though i don’t usually act like it), and i thought this movie killed. One of the things i liked best about it was that it gets better as it goes on. Every other movie i’ve seen in recent memory starts off interesting and then keeps fading until it’s basically trying to end with as much dignity as it can muster before ending up in a walk of shame. Not Maleficent and not by a long shot.

Maleficent uses her Roofie spell

i’m just glad i got to see Maleficent before the US release because i know you guys and you’re going to find new and usual ways to hate on this film. Fortunately, i saw it before the haters got their eyes on it so i get these few days where i can enjoy the movie with a buzz as pure and innocent as Sleeping Beauty on lite beer.

Looking back on this movie, there are no real missteps (which is official movie review talk for ‘fuck-ups’) and, to be totally honest, the first ¾s of the film were above average but still average adjacent. What pushed this film over the top for me was how it took the traditional bullshit Disney concept of “True Love” being akin to date rape and turned it on its ass.

“Sorry, I don’t like the white ones.”

Who should see this? Parents and their kids. i couldn’t scare up any children to take to this but one of the things that impressed me was how the stereotypes were challenged, so little kids might have trouble seeing the shades of grey that lay beneath the vibrant colors. Kids older than 10 or whatever, should get this though. Especially if they’re your kids because you’re clearly in the top 10% of smart people, seeing as how you’re reading this blog and all. Also those people who have a little kid living inside them, kicking and screaming and laughing and crying and farting and feeling everything just a touch too deeply.

Who shouldn’t see this film? Jaded mother fuckers looking to get their rocks off. Tired souls who aren’t looking to feel but to be felt. Soulless zombies who’ve forgotten how to live. But if that’s you, you wouldn’t be here, you’d be trashing me on reddit.

A little prick

Before we go any further, i have to card two of the actresses. As they’re under 18, i won’t post any pictures of them in the sexy section of this post and i won’t post any sexy candids of them. i’ll include only photos the actresses posed for on purpose.

First up is Elle Fanning (16) who will be beautiful when she’s 18 or over. She was perfect for the role of Aurora / Sleeping Beauty because she’s talented enough to act well but young enough to channel the innocence she’s got running in her veins and bring it to the surface. There was a genuine purity to her performance that it reached down from the screen and touched me.

Elle Fanning Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Also just in under the wire is Ella Purnell, who played Teen Maleficent, a role she’s perfectly qualified to play, being that she’s 17 and all.

Ella Purnell Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

Angelina Jolie was hot in a Skeletor way and that’s not even a joke. She did a good job acting as well, but her job was a lot easier than Aurora (Elle Fanning) because basically Maleficent is just a bitch through most of the movie and delivers all her lines in this smoldering bitchy way which seems to come pretty easy to Angelina.

Still, this was a good movie and she was the star so i gotta give credit where it’s due, especially when remembering she can look like this, or at least she did once upon a time.

Angelina Jolie Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There are a lot more single shots of her stuffed in my drawers at the far bottom of this post.

Also appearing in Maleficent is the ultra hot Juno Temple. “Juno Temple?” “No, but i’d like to.” She plays a CGI fairy and she even looks cute when she’s a computer copy of herself, and if this isn’t the next porn thing, well, then something else probably will be.

Juno’s on the left and reminds me of Saint Pauly (a little fairy)

Gobs more shots of her looking far sexier in the drawers. Scroll all the way down.

Silken Butterflies

For the Silken Butterflies in Maleficent, we have two beautiful women who were on screen only long enough to make us wish they were on a lot more.

Starting off is the lovely Hannah New and i bet she did when she decided to look gorgeous. She plays the Princess Leila and while she doesn’t have nearly enough screen time, her charm fills the screen while she’s there.

Hannah New in the Bar None

Following that up is the lovely Marama Corlett, who played a servant but did it while looking this good.

As for the sex in Maleficent, i’d be lying if i said there wasn’t any because there was, if you count two kisses as ‘sex’.

Every frat party ever

Drink: 0

None. Not even, any magic potions. Keep moving, nothing to read here.

Rock & Roll: 3 shots

The only real music was the Lana Del Ray and, let’s be honest, i think Lana Del Ray is the coolest thing since whatever the fuck this is

Something Lana no doubt uses

but she’s not rock and roll. The incidental music wasn’t rock and roll either, but the special effects were pretty rock and roll. There were a couple action scenes even if this isn’t an action movie and the cinematography (fancy film-speak for ‘the purdy pictures’) was purdy. i’ll go 3 shots on that shit.

Got wood? He does.

Boring Technical Crap

She’s pretty horny

Written by:

Written by Linda Woolverton
Based on the story “La Belle au bois dormant” by Charles Perrault

Directed by: Robert Stromberg

Starring

Elle Fanning – Aurora
Angelina Jolie – Maleficent
Juno Temple – Thistletwit
Hannah New – Princess Leila
Ella Purnell – Teen Maleficent
Marama Corlett – Servant

Bottom Line

If you’re cool enough to have made it this far, you should definitely see this movie.

Another Round

WTF!? Review of the Lord of the Rings trilogy

The Hot Rod gives us a nice review of another Disney effort

A Dregs article on why Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt broke up

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Basically everything from here on out is especially NC-18 and NSFW. Good luck.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie loves Booze

Angelina Jolie in bed in the Bar None

Juno Temple

Juno Temple in the Bar None

Juno Temple after the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.