Ke$ha Wallpaper in the Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Here then are the real dregs for the last week or so many other weeks that i’ve stopped counting. They’re short and sweat, just the way we like ‘em here in the Bar None where urine for a treat from Ke$ha, Bieber’s top fucks up his Karma and i cure fucking hangovers. Keep on reading, you don’t beliebe me…
[Press 'Play' for "I'm pissin' in the Dom Pérignon (C'mon let's do it now)"]
You know me (and if you don’t, i’m not the one), i hate to give bad news here ’cause i’m all about the yucks but don’t shoot the messager because i’m the guy to tell you that hangovers may stop existing.
Researchers in California (which, contrary to popular belief is not the Hangover State, that honor is reserved for Innebreity) are developing a pill that will, similar to Nicolas Cage, act like your liver.
What a disaster! No more hangovers! Who will be left to drive the porcelain bus? Who will put the technicolor in the burp? Who will call God on the big white phone?
It doesn’t stop there. What will be left to make make people promise to stop drinking? Imagine the hurt pain reliever sales will feel. The hangover is a rite of wrong every high school student needs to learn a lesson from. Just think, if there are no more hangovers, men will keep drinking Southern Comfort past their college years and women will continue to tipple peppermint schnapps if not into adulthood, at least someplace adulthood adjacent.
So protest, Barmaids and Beerhounds! Protest, i say! Go out and get your face so totally shat that you feel your essence rise high and higher from your body to the summit of the mountain of shit until the buzz stops and drops you all the way down into the deaths of despair with a hangover only suicide can cure. That’ll show those medical geeks that there is no cure for stupidity.
There’s just weird and then there’s this and by ‘this’ i mean Ke$ha: the girl you hate to love, and pray doesn’t become a role model to your teenage daughter.
The only thing that could make her any better would be if she’d been a Disney Baby Princess in a past life but even without that you still gotta like where this is goin’ and where this is goin’ is right in her mouth because not only does the chick like to get pissed in the UK sense meaning drunk, but she drinks it too.
She gave this interview with a British newspaper where she talked about how she’s been partying with her little brother and his tag for 2 years and doing shit like getting drunk at 6am and drinking her own pee. Which actually makes a lot of sense and is good for the environment because it’s recycling. She gets drunk, drinks her own pee and gets drunk on the booze in her pee.
i bet that Bronson Pelletier kid is bumming as he reads this because he’s realizing he could have recycled his buzz AND avoided arrest in the airport where he peed all over the floor in public.
There’ll be some solo shots of Ke$ha filling my drawers and you’ll wanna check that out all the way down there at the bottom of this post. You can’t miss it.
Once again i must play the part of the world’s conscience and believe me, nobody hates it more than you do, but i can’t sleep idly by when i witness such blatant prejudice against a group of people and yes, Barmaids and Beerhounds, i’m talking about drunk drivers.
Never before has any group of individuals been as persecuted, prosecuted and vilified as drunk drivers. Some police officers even target drunk drivers and believe it or not, a few drunk drivers even spend years in prison!
Lil Twist (and if rappers chose anatomically correct handles, his would be “Lil Willy”) is best friends with another willy and by that i mean Justin Bieber and those two willies must be very hard to separate, they must stick together through thick and thin, they must stand tall as they come to face hardships because Bieber lets Willy drive his car no matter how many times Willy wrecks it.
There was that one time this “person” killed a paparazzi in Bieber’s car, and now he borrowed Lil Beeby’s toy sports car (it’s called a fucking “Karma” for fuck’s sake, which is only ½ step up from calling it a “Cartoon”) and drove it into cement protection poles at a…liquor store. Then they did what you and i would do in the same situation: they told all the witnesses it was Bieber’s car, threw the loose pieces in the back of a BMW and fled the scene. OK, they did what we would do if we were super rich and douches.
Did you see the date on the poster? March 22, Barmaids and Beerhounds. And what day did i post this bad boy? March 20. Once again they decided to throw this up here in Yeaman before serving it up to a real public. Here’s the screen shot i took with my camera because i know you don’t trust me.
You know how you get drunk at a family reunion? It’s always the same relatives like the stoic ex-cop uncle who drinks almost as much as you and he walks heavily like he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders when in fact it’s just his huge fucking head, and then you have the standup dad who has a ton of responsibility but smiles shitloads and whatever happens you can be sure he’ll be the one to say grace before you can try the jello shots and over there you have your crazy sister’s latest psycho foreign boyfriend (she just won’t do domestic) who gets fucked up on import ale laced with meth and he starts threatening grandma with a spork until vet cop uncle and pastor dad beat him up then talk him down with too much talk and too much down because even if it was fun at the beginning when the fucker went whack, the rest of the evening is just a lot of drunken boring ass chat and you remember too late that every fucking family reunion is exactly like this and you make a mental note never to put yourself through this shit again but you’ll forget once more as soon as someone mentions free beer. That’s what you’ll be thinking after you see Olympus Has Fallen.
How does OHF measure up? Not anywhere near as good as the first Die Hard, but streaks in your underwear ahead of the A Good Day to Die Hard.
The problem is that, ironically enough, it starts off kind of good, like A Good Day To Die Hard because when they do the action it really rocks and rocks hard. But then they decide there aren’t enough clichés (*cough* troubled marriage *cough*) and so they have to go back and it takes a long time for Antoine “Fuck ya” Fuqua to put all of them in (here are some high fives in the control room for you) and he’s so worried about inserting every single last fucking cliché (patriotic speech at the end, anyone?) he can find that he totally forgets to include some good shit, too.
You know how good movie reviewers have started talking about different parts of movies? Well, i’m not good enough to do that yet but i can say without spoiling anything that there are 3 parts and the 2nd one where they take over the White House is cool as fucking hell. Before that? If you want to have a pee and a popcorn and arrive 10 minutes late you won’t miss anything. Seriously, how long does it take to set up what we already know is going to happen because it’s on the fucking poster!?
After they take over the White House and Butler has to go all John McClane on everybody’s ass, “Fuckya” decides he wants to throw more WTF moments than you can count into the mix but i’m not going to go into that here because they include spoilers. Suffice to say, if you want to go home early and read more of my blog, do it—there’s at least as much shit here as there is in the film.
Yeah, there was nothing resembling anything sexual in this movie. The closest we get is Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan (Melissa Leo) in a silk underthing over her bra.
Other than that, there are some very beautiful women in the movie, but it’s an “action” movie which means men just want to watch other men get hot and sweaty and wrestle with other.
But you know me, and if you don’t i’m the one who invented donner pizza, i’m all about the soft side of life so let’s get started off on that foot right away with both of Radha Mitchell’s soft sides.
Radha Mitchell Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
She has the coolest beauty marks on her neck, swear to god. If you want more proof of that, there’s some single shots of her down below in my drawers, just scroll to the end of the post and you’ll find ‘em lingering there.
There was also the delicious Angela Basset who played a politician type of woman but i didn’t care about that as much as i cared about this.
Angela Basset Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s drawer shots of her as well.
Rounding things up, way up, is Ashley Judd who plays the First Lady and when you see these shots, you’ll see why she comes First. Although you probably will. Anyway, get a fill of her here because she’s not in the movie as much as you’d like.
Like i already said, there was lots of cool rock and roll action for the fight scene but before and after that there was just a lot of nothing. And absolutely no rock in the soundtrack. Not even the mandatory single during the credits. The one cliché i don’t mind so much…
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Four Horsemen – Back In Business Again
[Press 'Play' for some fuckers back for another round]
i got lucky again, if “lucky” means seeing this one day before it was released in the States. If it doesn’t mean that, then i got whatever the word for seeing it in Yeaman first is.
You know how you get drunk with a pizza delivery guy? He shows up on time and decides to come in and have a brew with you and he’s only just a kid but cool enough and after all he did bring the fucking pizza. Sure, all he did was bring what you ordered but how often have you ordered a pizza and they get the order wrong and it’s got pineapple or fish or some shit on it or they bring it way too late or sometimes they don’t even bring it at all? At least this guy really brings it. He brings the pizza and it’s not an awesome pizza, hell, it’s not even a great pizza and it’s not like they surprise you with extra ingredients or a hot delivery chick or free beer, you get just what you ordered and you ordered what you wanted so you end up getting what you wanted which is more than you can say for a lot of drunk pizza delivery guys. G.I. Joe: Retaliation is exactly like that pizza: simple fare but fare enough.
Yeah, i hesitated between 2½ and 3 shots but i decided to round up for a couple reasons. Like i didn’t expect much and i wasn’t disappointed, which actually doesn’t always happen. Like with The Expendables, i went expecting a basic action movie and i saw an ugly chick flick.
It’s simple, when i see an action movie i want rock and roll, special effects, and action. Lots of fucking action. G.I. Joe: Retaliation delivers all of that. Nothing more, but what they delivered is fulfilling enough that i left satisfied.
The story was easy to follow and didn’t need tons of talk to set it up. The costumes and sets were often kind of cool, the fight scenes weren’t boring and there were enough of them, the actors were above average for the genre, and the special effects didn’t look too fake.
Some things were hard to swallow, of course. Like the code names these poor Joes are stuck with are downright embarrassing. i can’t imagine the shame of the G.I. Joe cotillion when people have to walk around with name tags that say, “Roadblock”, “Firefly” or “Storm Shadow”. A couple of WTF moments left a bad taste in my mouth (Welshman Jonathan Pryce as President of the United States? A country where the President can replace his entire staff with Nazis over night and everyone obeys with 100% commitment simly because he’s the President?) but this is a pizza movie so i’m not gonna bitch because i can’t have my cake and eat it, too.
Yes, there was a slather (yes it’s a word, it’s spelled s-l-a-t-h-e-r) of Silken Butterflies and Elodie Yung is French so that’s another bonus point but the 2 shots here is all Adrianne Palicki (as “Lady Jaye”). While i was looking up pictures of her for this post, i saw her progress from this cute young woman who posed in provocative pics to launch (among other things) her career and then i saw she’s been in more doomed pilots than a gay World War II Flying Ace. Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Robinsons: Lost In Space…
That she’s beautiful is obvious but watching her on screen i saw a natural charm and a down to earth spark that lit me up. She was born in fucking Toleda, for chrissake. Is she the girl next door? Don’t fuckin’ know, but she can sure as shit act like it and she’s an actress, after all, so if she’s good enough to act like she is then i’m buying into the myth conception.
Adrianne Palick Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s tons more single shots of her down in my drawers. Just keep scrolling down until you hit my pay dirty.
Plus like i already said, Elodie Yung was in this as Jinx and she’s so cute she could be French. Because she is. Plus she’s Elodie Yung, which she is too. This is what i mean.
There was a slather (see? would i have used it twice if it wasn’t a real word?) of lovely ladies who were in the movie just long enough to wet our…whistles and to leave us wanting more.
First up are the amazing Joanna Leeds and Elana Justin who both star as interns.
Is she not adorable? i’ma hit her up for an interview to make up for the fact she was uncredited in the movie. i’ll give her credit where credit is due, ‘swhat i’m saying.
Here’s the blow by blow of the sex in the movie:
She [Adrianne Palicki] bends over in shorts, half jogging shirt & she’s fit
Her [Adrianne Palicki] in a red dress changing out of it into t-shirt with sexy black lingerie [while Flint watches her by her reflection in a TV screen]
“When I stand up, you’ll get the bottle back again.”
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.
Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.
The action was good and a couple times it was even semi-original which was way more than i could’ve hoped for.
Add to that a decently hard soundtrack by some guy named Henry Jackman, plus the song at the top and now this one that came in during the credits. The Heavy – How You Like Me Now
The text is done and so am i. It’s late and i’ve been power putting this together to get it ready for a same-day posting so i’ll shut up now and give you the photos of the ladies and nothing else.
Scottish Girls Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Mini dregs today as we’re just taking a little trip to a little island called the UK which has a lot of little towns called Wales, England, Scotland, Ireland and Northern Ireland which is the right or wrong side of the tracks depending which side of the tracks you were born on. Anyway, today’s dregs are brought to you by Ireland and Scotland, where the best present you can buy those sheep farmers is velcro gloves.
From the juiced-box and dedicated to the residents of Kerry: Afroman – Drive Better Drunk
[Press 'Play' for "Don't touch my keys when the party's over / I drive better drunk than you do sober" aka the New Irish National Anthem]
If you read my last dregs not only are you a star but you were also exposed to my huge cock sure diatribe against the prejudice that exists concerning drunk drivers. In an era where we are trying to be more and more open to different lifestyle choices, humanity still maintains an ornery attitude towards drunk drivers.
i don’t know about y’all but at least someone read what i wrote and is willing to do something about it. i’m speaking specifically about Kerry (as in ‘Kerry me home’), Ireland where local law enforcement has decided to reduce the instances of drunk driving with an ingenious concept. If you want fewer drunk drivers on the road, simply raise the limit of legally drunk.
Those Scottish never cease to amaze me. The country that has it all (and won’t share any of it with you) decided to release a free app so people can see the effects of alcohol on their looks over an extended period of time. Did i say people? i didn’t mean people, i meant women. Because the app is only designed for women.
Apparently Scottish men already look old and fat in their teenage years so this app would only work for them when they’re first old enough to drink, like at 8 years old.
In other news, the exact same app is also being marketed under other names like “What happens when you eat Scottish food” or “what women look like after you marry them”.
Wait, the poster says May 3 and this was posted April 25? Yep, once again Yeaman caught some action before y’all in the United States. What, you don’t believe me? That kind of attitude is exactly why i take these shitty photos on my phone and make them into a child’s school-made Mother’s Day card collage.
You know how you get drunk in a tux? You feel like hot shit when you put it on and you strut around feeling invincible and a lot of that feeling comes from the drink and you think you’re better than you are at first until the booze bears down on you and the night wears down on you too like you wear the suit and with every sip you feel the feeling slip away until it’s all over and you stand there naked and feel like the suit, polished on the outside, empty in the inside, all package and little soul. That’s kinda what Iron Man 3 is like.
The first thing i gotta say is, i hate reruns of Christmas episodes in the summer more than i hate just about anything and by that i mean i would rather have Justin Bieber crawl his way up into my ass, claw his way through my bowels and slide out my mouth than watch A Very Special Holiday Episode of Dexter. Like Die Hard, Iron Man 3 is a Christmas movie and i’m not even shitting you. It’s a Christmas movie released in April / May and i have no idea what the fuck to make of that so i’m just going to pretend it isn’t happening and kick the review off right now.
There was a lot of good here and i’ll start with that because you know how i feel about Robert Downey Jr, which is the same i feel about every mother fucker who led one hell of a fucked up life and then went sober and held it together and is watching the promises come true while at the same time being true to himself.
So. The good. The last action scene was very incredible and i wished it lasted forever. The actors, are very good, especially RDJ and Gwyneth Paltrow who i still haven’t figured out why people are always getting on her shit, because she’s hot and classy which are two words good ol’ me doesn’t use too much in the same sentence. Also, Tony Stark wimps out a little and shows his vulnerable side and this adds to his depth. All of this works.
The things that dragged me down a little were small little itty bitty things, like the plot. Tony has some PTSD after New York and The Avengers and when he talks about this shit, it reminds me that The Avengers had some serious shit go down in it and that Iron Man 3 is really just a quickie toss off to help us maintain our hardons until the orgy of The Avengers 2.
Also, all the dialog and explanations put the “awful” back in “awful lot of talking”. i don’t give a shit why people do the action and i sure as shit don’t want to hear you explain why you do the action, i just want to see some fucking action. If this was a real comic, the page would be totally white with all the cartoon balloons, ‘swhat i’m sayin’.
The last thing i’ll whine about here is the fact that the movie is called Iron Man and we see less of Iron Man here than any other movie. It shoulda been called “Find Iron Man” because you really gotta pay attention to see him. Plus, is it me or am i crazy or all of the above, Tony Stark is Iron Man, right? If it’s just a load of empty suits flying around, doesn’t that take away from the Iron Mystique?
So you should definitely see this movie because i want you to give Robert Downey Jr some money, but if you arrive a couple hours late, you won’t be missing too much.
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.There were some beautiful actresses in this movie and some of them were even cute but as far as the skin on the screen, this was more hard up than hard on. The sexiest scene? 2 shots of Gwyneth Paltrow in a sports bra. Once she was tied up on some kind of rack and the other time she was kicking ass and liking it but i can sure as shit tell you that she was fit as hell.
Gwyneth Paltrow Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s some more shots of her down there in my drawers. Just scroll down all the way to the bottom of the post and then go a little lower.
The equally as lovely but brunette-ier Rebecca Hall did a great job acting, they just made her overdress way too much to do it. Here’s a shot to tide you over until you make it all the way down there, to my drawers.
The weird thing–OK, with me there are a lot of weird things, but this one is really weird because Yvonne Zima (Madeline’s sister) is listed in the cast but i didn’t recognize her in the movie and don’t remember anyone called “Miss Elk Ridge”. If any of y’all readers know who she is, please leave a comment and set me straighter than this wallpaper, like that’s at all possible. [UPDATE: props to the wonderful Messed Up Marionette, who pointed out Zima was the beauty contest winner. Sure enough, when i went back to verify, i noticed IMDB had corrected their typo. Originally they'd written Miss Elkridge, but now it says Miss Elk Ridge. Thanks Marionette.]
Thank god for the Silken Butterflies. Starting things off right on the pretty little foot is the super talented Noa Lindberg who was here as Michele Cusick. Not only is she talented and beautiful, she’s also gutsy as she’s agreed to to an interview for the Bar None, so stay right there on the edge of your seat until that comes together.
What’s an important role in any movie? The bartender, of course, and Crisann Peters fit the part of “Neptune’s Bartender” so well that it made me weep for my past, when i was still drinking and she coulda tended some bars around me. Even less logical than that last sentence is that Crisann, too, has agreed to an interview in the Bar None. i’m thinking this new Jose Cuervo cologne is really starting to work wonders.
Also thrown into the mix was the equally (well, almost equally because she isn’t letting me interview her) delightful Meghan Aruffo, as the enviable “NYE Party Girl”, and aren’t we all?
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.There was some alcohol on the screen, so i have to give it the symbolic half-shot for effort, but there is really the minimum here.
Here’s the way that spilled out on screen:
[Tony Stark] Drinks wine in his workshop. Obviously [from the rosy pink color], fake wine for RDJ
Flat champagne for when Pepper comes home
Mandarin drinks Kronenbourg from a can and offers some to Stark
The Villain (and despite the wardrobe NOT a 70′s Magician, 80′s Singer or 90′s Stand up comic)
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.
Rock & Roll: 2 Shots
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.Two shots and both of them are for the action climax at the end and none of the rest.
You want rock and roll? Go back to Iron Man 1 and 2, where they have the decency to give us some AC/DC. Here there’s no real rock, just rock-like instrumental incidental music. You wanna song with words? No problem, there’s a jazz version of Jingle Bells sung by a cat named Vinne Zummo in the movie and i ain’t even shitting you one bit.
“Well, Oprah, I do my best *not* to fart in the suit.”
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Stan Lee, Don Heck, Larry Lieber & Jack Kirby (comic book)
Drew Pearce & Shane Black (screenplay)
Directed by: Shane Black
Starring
Robert Downey Jr. – Tony Stark / Iron Man
Gwyneth Paltrow – Pepper Potts
Rebecca Hall – Maya Hansen
Noa Lindberg – Michele Cusick
Crisann Peters – Neptunes Bartender
Yvonne Zima – Miss Elk Ridge
Meghan Aruffo – NYE Party Girl
Bottom Line
C’mon, you knew before you read this if you were gonna see it or not. If you saw the first two, then you gotta see this one anyway. If you don’t have to see it, you should anyway because RDJ should have your money.
Earth Is A Memory Worth Fighting For. “Oblivion” Isn’t.
Ramblings: Negative Space
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.
You know how you get drunk with someone in a coma? You sit there for a couple hours pouring vodka into his IV bag waiting for him to wake up or do something interesting and maybe once or twice he has a crisis and so you get bursts of excitement when they come in with their crash carts and shit to revive him but then it’s back to just sitting there in a very hi-tech room where nothing really goes down or comes up except a heavy buzz that drags you down and you have to fight against it to stay awake. That’s what Oblivion was like.
Perfect if you’ve ODed on uppers and need something to help you come down. This film could take the inventor of the Starbuck’s taste challenge out for a nap.
Reese Witherspoon Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
What’s worse than being famous? A lot of things are worse than being famous. What’s worse than being drunk? A whole of a lot is worse than being drunk. But what’s worse than being drunk and famous together? Ooh, that’s another drunkalog and if you don’t believe me, i totally understand because i’m one lying somebitch. So you should go ask Reese Witherspoon.
Directly from the Bar None juiced-box (see? there i go lying again) and dedicated to “Peewee” Reese (totally not a lie this time): Destiny’s Child – Say My Name
[Press 'Play' for Witherspoon's "Do you know who I am?" song]
Here’s what’s not news. Reese Witherspoon’s husband got pulled over for drunk driving. Who the fuck cares? It’s not even Reese’s piece that got arrested herself it’s her goofy ass husband. Only a little more newsy is that she started threatening the officer because she’s famous but you can’t blame her because we all do it (wait, don’t we?). You also can’t blame her that it didn’t work, because every time i tell some cop not to bust me because i’m Reese Witherspoon, he always does anyway.
Besides, this stopped being news when Reese was all cool and apologized and was really humble and talked about her kids. You know me (and if you don’t, i’m not cleaning that up), as an alcoholic in recovery this kind of share always makes me wet and by ‘wet’ i mean ‘teary’ (perv…it’s the pictures i post of her that make me wet).
You know what the real news is? Watch that TMZ video up there i stole off of YouTube. Did you see what her husband did there? Exactly! Fucking Nothing! He just stood there with his mouth hanging open while his wife gets taken out like garbage. It was me, i’d be telling her to shut her Reese Witherspoon ass up and sit it back down in the car. Or, and this is only on a good day, i start telling the cop to go back away and easy on my wife or else i’mma barbecue his bacon and eat it while he watches, but jesus, you gotta do something, am i right?
Reese, babe, if you want to be with a real man who’ll stand up for you, call me, you have my number (it’s on the wall of every Ladies Room stall in every police station in Georgia).
Bet you didn’t know my frenemesis Saint Pauly posted another on of his things that made me smile over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). This time he takes the piss out of The Day.
Here’s a killer song to kick off an interview with: Deep Dish – Say Hello
[Press 'Play' to Say Hello to Noa with a song she herself requested]
What’s the biggest blockbuster so far this year? Iron Man 3. And just what is busting Iron Man’s block? What is the spark in his plug? What actress is responsible for his interplanetary success? You may think i’m too far gone but i’m still here to tell you it’s Noa Lindberg, who wore the coveted role of ‘Michele Cusick’ like a hot, tailor made suit.
As if all that weren’t enough, she’s one of the most gracious women i’ve ever had the pleasure of not really knowing and if you ask me how i know this i’ll tell you it’s because she agreed to do an interview right here in the Bar None. Go ahead and don’t believe me like you always do but stay where you are because if you keep on reading you’ll see me put my funny where my mouth is.
There i was, lost at the wrong end of a bad weekend in some backroom outside Havana, and when i say i was lost i mean i was lost in a poker game to some mustachioed señora card shark who wore tablecloths sewn together and sandals made from shoe boxes. i didn’t have enough money to cover my losses so i was about to become some communist’s bottom bitch when Noa Lindberg magically arrived out of the cigar smoke that parted like curtains when she sat down at the table.
Noa told me i looked spayed and it’s true i wanted to die-man, but she had a big heart and fought for me in that club. The house was full, i felt flush and she had a beautiful pair but unfortunately didn’t want to play “hold ‘em”, she just wanted to play her hearts out for me and i was lucky the others were higher than the stakes but even luckier that Noa had great hands that quickly led me out of the hole i’d dug myself into.
She collected me because i felt cashed and i begged her to let me interview her there in the front seat of the 1956 Chevy Bel Air she drove me away in. Gracious as she is talented, she said ‘Yes’.
[Noa has mad driving skills tearing through the back streets of Havana and i know they're the back streets because Havana has no front streets but this doesn't keep her from carrying on the interview.]
Noa: Noa was the youngest of Zelophehad’s 5 daughters, who are known as the first feminists in History. They petitioned Moses for their right, as women, to inherit property.
Al K Hall: And now you own my heart. [Note: She does not throw up at this. i repeat, she does not throw up.] You’ve come a long way, baby. Like Israel, where you were born. Is it as cool as it looks?
Noa: I have and will always keep a special place for Israel in my heart. It is such a beautiful, charming, diverse, multicultural and – hard to believe but true – peaceful country.
Al K Hall: Oh, i believe it. i’ve been to Detroit.
Noa: You can feel history in every corner of a street. Anyone who has the chance to visit, should not hesitate. Our house was facing the Mediterranean Sea. The waves were the first and last thing I would hear and see in the morning and at night.
Al K Hall: Sounds just like Yeamen. Except for the waves and beach. But i hear and see things all the time here, in the morning and the night. Which you probably did in France after you lived there, right?
Noa: I lived in Paris until I finished my Masters in Law and Business.
Al K Hall: Now i’m starting to see why you’re so good at gambling. But Paris must’ve been cool.
Noa: My favorite part of living there was probably having my Mom with me at all times! I also loved that everything was close-by and that in just a couple of hours I was in London or any other European capital!
Al K Hall: Or Miami? How did you wind up there? What does Miami have that Paris doesn’t?
Noa: The weather! Paris is great for education–to my opinion probably one of the best systems in the world. Europe in general has so much culture. But it was time to move on. I was born in a warm country, in a beach town after all. And Miami did it for me.
Al K Hall: Wow, i wish i was Miami.
[Speaking of the Maimi vibe, this is the song that comes on the radio during our daring Cuban getaway. Fragma - Tocas Miracle, which is Cuban for "The Virgin's face on my taco shell".]
Noa: The U.S. is a country of opportunities. If you have the skills, talent, qualities, focus, a little luck, and of course you are willing to work, you can make it!
Al K Hall: That’s why i had to move to Yeamen. But before i make a fool of myself and beg you to run away with me, or at least not run away from me, any husbands / boyfriends i should know about?
Noa: All I will say is: He is my soul mate and my #1 fan!
Al K Hall: I’ll give you “soul mate”, but as for #1 fan…there’s a long line. He may have to take a number. What about tattoos? Any cool scars?
Noa: No tattoos, but definitely some badass scars! On the left corner of my left eye, my left eyebrow, my left knee, my left ankle… My right side is pretty intact though!
Al K Hall: And your left side isn’t doing so bad, either. When you’re not getting scarred up, what does a girl as talented and beautiful as you do in your downtime?
Noa: First of all thank you for all the compliments, I’m blushing! I’ve learned from past experience that it is important and healthy to take some time off, to clear the mind. I’m never bored, but a typical chill evening would involve my man, a blanket, a glass of wine, popcorn with extra butter and a movie.
Al K Hall: Sounds great! i’ll have to try it sometime. Just let me know the next time your man is free. Or maybe we could play poker for him?
Noa: You probably don’t want to play me at poker. No, you do not. Or just give me the money now, so at least the one thing you won’t lose is your time, ha ha. I also discovered a new hobby. I’m totally into Go-Kart now and I’m really competitive.
Al K Hall: So if i’m in Florida for a day, where would be a good place for me to ‘track’ you down? [Oh please, like you expect better from me.]
Noa: After a casting, I usually go to Dunkin’ Donuts, order my latte and toasted croissant with cream cheese, and sit down at my usual table by the window. If that table isn’t available, which happened only once so far, I’m totally lost!
Al K Hall: Next time just give me a call–i’ve got some smells that will clear anyone away. Other than Dunkin’ Donuts, what are you favorite vices?
Noa: Big Mac with extra Big Mac sauce and a Cuban Colada! I’m always loaded on Colada on set.
[AlKHallism: 'Colda' is not booze! True Story. It's the Cuban version of espresso and is what's fueling my rescuer as she careens out of the city.]
Noa: I am pretty much addicted to South Park and can totally recite close to complete episodes of the show. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are completely twisted, pure genius.
Al K Hall: Was it Cartman who made you decide to try your hand, and all the rest of you, at acting?
Noa: When I was a kid, the energy at home was pretty heavy, so I started to watch comedian stand-up shows. After a couple of times, I would already remember the text. I gave a try at performing it to my family and it would make them laugh a lot. They seemed to forget about all the rest, the issues or tensions around. They looked happy and that would make me happy. So I kept on. I noticed that performing and acting would entertain the people around me and I loved the feeling of being a partial reason for their moment of happiness.
Al K Hall: i bet you spread happiness like bacon flavored peanut butter wherever you go, Noa. You have the gift.
Noa: I’ve always been very creative and willing to express it. There are so many decisions you can make when you get a script. You are the creator of the character. Every word, every look, every gesture has a purpose. Acting is lots of work. It’s Art, and it’s an Art I love!
Al K Hall: Speaking of art, your first role was in aFrench film called Vidocq, as a Virgin sold off by her parents. Was this typecasting?
Noa: Well, I was about 16 years old back then! I was indeed a virgin.
Al K Hall: Wait, what’s the opposite of TMI? NMI? Need More Information.
Noa: Hey, I was a good girl! I mean I am a good girl. Anyway, my mom would have never sold me.
Al K Hall: You were probably out of my price range anyway.
Noa: Actually, during the shoot, Pitof, the director, said that I should be particularly expensive and kept adding coins for the transaction scene. It sounds completely psycho, but wasn’t there a girl who sold her virginity for a million bucks on eBay or something?
Al K Hall: Careful, that’s my future wife you’re talking about–if the check clears. You also starred in the full length film Equal Strength. How did that come about?
Noa:Equal Strength was a fabulous experience. It was indeed the very first feature film I had the lead role in. I remember I almost didn’t go to the casting because I didn’t have an up-to-date résumé and headshot back then. I followed my guts, and I went and did a cold read as the sides were given directly at the audition. After my performance, I apologized for not having my headshot and résumé, but Ika Santamaria, the director of the film, said, “Don’t worry, I’ll remember you.”
Al K Hall: To be fair to the rest of the world, i bet you hear that a lot. But you killed the audition, basically.
Noa: I felt confident and left. I was requested to the callback, and was booked as Eva Williams! It was a very special project called “Movie Painting”, as the film was created with brainstorming and written along the shooting. When we started, we did not necessarily know where the story was going, which made it even a bigger challenge.
Al K Hall: Sounds like my sex life.
Noa: I love the result.
[Speaking of my sex life, here's a song called 'Silence' by Delerium (featuring Sarah McLachlan) that comes out of the mono speaker on the Chevy's dash as we hideout next to a dumpster behind a tequilera. Strangely enough, it also happens to be a song Noa digs.]
Al K Hall: Wait–what?
Noa: The team became family. And Brent Battles, who plays my uncle in the movie, became one of my closest friends.
Al K Hall: Oh, right, the movie. How was the film received?
Noa: Equal Strength won a few awards in the US at the Women’s International Film Festival and the Palm Beach LDub Film Festival. The movie is currently in re-editing in order to be submitted to Cannes Film Festival.
Al K Hall: Speaking of “Cannes-Do”, you have the role of “Michele Cusick” in Iron Man 3. How did you get the part?
Noa: To avoid crowds and fans requiring more security and possibly slowing down the shooting, the biggest projects usually have a nickname title. So when I was cast for Iron Man 3, I had no idea that’s where I was sent because it was called “Caged”.
Al K Hall: Like they used the title “Get Al Laid” for Mission Impossible?
Noa: Even agents are sometimes not entitled to reveal the information. But actors can have days so overbooked with castings and shootings, they cannot make it to them all and have make decisions and selections. So, I was hesitating about that one, but my agent insisted and ended up telling me privately, “You have to go, it’s for Iron Man 3!”
Al K Hall: And like one of Zelophehad’s daughters with property, you owned it. Who is Michele in the film?
Noa: Michele Cusick is an attendee of the Millenium New Years Eve party and Science Conference in Bern, Switzerland. Michele is flirting with Happy Hogan–aka Jon Favreau–while having a drink with her boyfriend who she ends up trading by midnight for an older (really older) wealthy man.
Al K Hall: Wait, that’s a thing? ‘Cause i’m a ‘really older’ man. Not wealthy, but what i lack in ‘wealthy’ i make up for in ‘really older’. Was it a fun shoot? More fun than this interview?
Noa: My most enjoyable moment was actually when a sweet lady, one of the extra talents that worked on the set, came to me and said: “I’m sorry, I don’t want to bother, aren’t you the main actress in… that movie… Equal Strength!?” I simply hugged her and smiled, it made me very proud to do what I do! Overall, fabulous experience.
Al K Hall: That must have been so cool. Imagine someone who knows your name and they’re not even carrying a warrant! But wait, your scene was a party scene? You must’ve got buttloads of free booze!
Noa: Free booze? Well, as it was a party scene, champagne was ginger ale, white wine was apple juice and red wine was flat coke and water. The second day, I almost thought of bringing booze to make my own “fake but not so really” drink, but I forgot to take it in the morning, as I had only slept 4 hours in between the shoots.
Al K Hall: “Fake but not so really”, awesome! Like “kind of a virgin” cocktail. What did you “kind of” steal from the shoot?
Noa: All the pins they had to stick in my hair!
Al K Hall: And, barring any arrests for that, have you got any upcoming projects?
Noa: I am currently working on writing 3 screenplays, 2 feature films, and 1 TV show pilot (and full season if the project works out). I am finishing a drama, starting a comedy, and wrapping up the show project. I am also planning on writing, directing and performing a dramatic short film and a series of shorts. Yes, that is a lot of writing!
Al K Hall: Cool. i hope you’ll give us a shout here when that stuff starts coming out. You know what i mean. If a real professional (and not just “an interviewer but not so really”) person is reading this, what’s the best way to contact you?
Noa: To movie directors and casting agents, you can join me by contacting my agent, Elissa at Boca Talent: elissa [at] bocamodels.com, or check my contact information on my IMDb pro. In case of urgent or last minute matters, I always recommend Facebook private messages.
Al K Hall: In all the minutes of exhausting research i did during a Resident Evil marathon, did i blow over anything too quickly? Anything you got coming up you’d like us to know about?
Al K Hall: Iggy Pop!? No way! He and I are going to hook up sometime if he ever finds out i exist.
Noa: Iggy is really sweet and we talked a while in between rolling cameras. He is a legend in the music culture and knows a lot about everything. So when he said, “You look like a Hollywood star”, you can only imagine how great it made me feel!
Al K Hall: You wanted to call the cops? Because that’s what girls do when i say they look like Hollywood stars. Anyway what message do you have for Iggy and your bajillion other fans?
Noa: Thank you so much for your support, comments, likes and interest. I always take the time to respond, so feel free to write me. Here’s my official page: http://www.facebook.com/noalindbergofficial
Al K Hall: Well, i hope you’ve had your shots, and if you need more, i got your back because it’s time for the infamous Bar None Questionnaire. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?
Noa: Really? Do I have to pick? Alright, let’s have a tasting of them all and I’ll pick after!?
Al K Hall: OK, but you’re paying. Who’m i kidding? You’re a woman and i’m the owner so you drink free. But be careful… When was the last time you had a hangover?
Noa: Let’s just say this morning I’m moving pretty slow after Sunday-Funday in Miami…
Noa: “Smoking is bad, mmkay? And if you start smoking at an early age, mmkay, it’s gonna be bad, mmkay?” Mr Mackey.
Al K Hall: From South Park. Good impression, babe. What’s your favorite swear word?
Noa: Lately, it’d be “balls”.
Al K Hall: Are you positive? HIV positive?More South Park. You really are addicted. And while we’re on that subject, you know i’m in AA…what’s your opinion of teetotalers?
Noa: I admire people who do not feel any social pressure, because after all, drinking is, to my opinion, a social phenomenon. In the Entertainment Industry, you get to go out to events or festivals pretty often, you are always exposed to that pressure, people insisting on getting you a drink. If you refuse, even though you really don’t feel like having a drink at all, it can look unsocial. So I just tend to constantly hold a drink to avoid all this.
Al K Hall: Finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?
Noa: Taking the time to preparing a FUN interview! Thank you so much! Now let’s all cheersto the Bar None readers!
Al K Hall: From your lips to Google’s ears.
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.
And that’s the way it goes because that’s the way she went. i know i don’t need to tell y’all that Noa and i, regrettably, never met face to face during a wild escape from Cuban card sharks or anywhere else on God’s grey earth. The whole interview was done through e-mail and i goofed around with my parts to make it look like she and i were together, but her answers were kept exactly as she sent them to me.
i really want to thank Noa for putting up with my ridiculousness and for investing herself so deeply in the interview. She was always right there with the answers and she generously shared all of the candid shots you see up there, because she just wanted to be close to you booze hounds and barmaids. If the world needs a next superstar, the world could do a lot worse than Noa Lindberg. Truth.
[Another song Noa likes, hand picked from Intouchables, one of her favorite movies: Eart, Wind and Fire - September]
There’s a lot i don’t know, for example i don’t know what your problem is, but add this to the short column of shit i do know: i know Amanda Bynes’ problem and, like the cat that we just ran over, it was in front of us all the time.
Amanda tweeted her confession soon after the police fished her out of her apartment for a little catch and release, meaning she was arrested and set free in a little offshoot of “cat and mouse” i call “pussy and mousy”, in which Amanda plays both parts.
“Does she drink?”
“Does she drink?” is the wrong question because the right question is “Does it matter?” and i’m so generous i’ll even tell you the answer and the answer is, “No, it does not fucking matter.” It doesn’t fucking matter because whatever Amanda Good-Bynes is doing or not doing is derailing that train wreck.
And while i’m hanging paper here, i found out Google who hates me and wants the Bar None to close down forever by giving all my patronizers the wrong directions on getting here has credited a phishing site with a wallpaper i stole photos for with my own fingers and made my own self on my own computer and posted here first. i’m putting it up again here as a way to piss on it to mark my territory.
Amanda Bynes drunk at the Bar None wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
So here’s the bottom line @Amanda Bynes
Amanda Bynes, you seem like a good kid who’s been tossed into the arena with tons of lions and all they gave you to defend yourself was way more money and time than you could handle. Unfortunately, throwing money at the lions doesn’t seem to be working, and the crazy you’re baking is only making them hungrier and scaring away the fans in the stands you already had.
The secret to killing the lions is not to fight them. It’s to turn your back to them, turn off your computer, go far away to someplace safe and close your eyes until those lions are hungry enough that they attack some other poor sweet starlette who’s easier.
i really do wish you the best,
Al K Hall
PS You’re nose is super cute, i wouldn’t change a thing.
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.
Bar None Dregs
Saint Pauly, who makes me laugh for all the wrong reasons, posted another one of his funny reviews over at WTF!
You know how you get drunk with Boy Scouts on a trip? They’re so cute with their little shorts and when they laugh beer comes out of their nose and they wipe it away with their little yellow handkerchiefs and they drink like they do everything else which is earnestly and if you don’t know what that means it means with their heart, it means they do it with unquestioning faith in something other than God, something they haven’t named yet and that’s what they’re searching for with all of their badges and all of their exploring until what they find for the briefest of moments and then lose like their virginity never to get back again is Love because there’s a boy scout minute when all little lads believe in Love more than they believe in booze, boobs and big brothers, more than God, Mom and vacations in summer and Mud captures that instant for one little boychild.
i can tell you right now who’s going to like this movie, and that’s guys like me. More specifically, guys who used to be boys like i was. Ridiculously emotional, thin skinned, passionate about everything to the point of blindness where others mistook the fact i was overwhelmed with my own emotions for egoism but really i couldn’t stop feeling enough to make room for anything else.
If you weren’t like that as a kid or if you were never a kid you’ll be able to appreciate Mud as a piece of art but you won’t be able to understand it.
The thing that makes this movie is the actors and not just Matthew McConaughey because he spoke with an accent and not just Reese Witherspoon becasue she’s a hot drunken mess and not just Michael Shannon (who starred in Nichols’ other movie, Take Shelter) because have you seen how fucking cool he is and plus he does a good job acting normal here for once. No, the good actors were also the kids, especially the boys because one of them (Tye Sheridan as Ellis) was a real actor and so he has to be good because it’s his little job but they also had this kid from Arkansas (Jacob Lofland as Neckbone), fresh off the street, and he acted the hell out of his part.
Plus there was Sam Shepard who is an amazing actor and writer and who was probably my first guy crush back when i was a teenager and secure in my heterosexuality with a lifelong crush on Muriel Hemingway that still hasn’t completely gone away. And Michael Shannon rocked his role, and i’m not just saying that because he’s my current guy crush. What i really liked about all the acting going on was that i have been each of these characters at least once in my life and the actors let me identify with all of them.
Jeff Nichols wrote and directed Mud and he did a good job because i was able to sit back and forget i was watching a movie and that’s exactly what a director’s supposed to do. As for the themes, well, there were some and i guess that makes this intellectual or French but the themes weren’t all that complex and there was an ending so it really wasn’t all that French but still it was pretty predictable, like trying a new beer in a frosty mug and the beer is refreshing but in the end all you have left is the same old mug.
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.A couple very pretty girls but because this bad boy was about love and not sex, the girls don’t show anything other than up.
Like i already said, Reese Witherspoon played the female lead in Mud and did a lot with what she had but she didn’t have to do a lot other than look nervous.
Redneck test: Find Reese Witherspoon (Hint: She’s *in front* of the truck)
i got some more shots of her deep in my drawers down below at the bottom of this post.
Also in this movie is Sarah Paulson who i already like because she’s in both seasons of American Horror Story which is the best fucking show on TV bar none (no pun intended) . To make things even better she plays a lesbian in season 2 of that series and to take the cherry off the cake and put it where it belongs [no idea what i mean by that, btw], she’s a lesbian in real life, too.
There was only one actress whose talent was as permanent as her beauty was lasting and her screen time was fleeting. Barmaids and beerhounds, i give you Kristy Barrington.
There were some decent and other not so decent real songs in this movie but i can’t find a trace of them anywhere and i’ve been digging for much longer than i should’ve been because once i get something in my crotch i can’t let go of it until i find it but this time i’m just giving up. And don’t even tell me to look at the OST album because it’s all incidental music and there were some songs with vocals in Mudother than “Help me Rhonda”.
Reese Witherspoon – Juniper
Sarah Paulson – Mary Lee
Bonnie Sturdivant – May Pearl
Kristy Barrington – Princess
Tye Sheridan – Ellis
Jacob Lofland – Neckbone
Matthew McConaughey – Mud
Sam Shepard – Tom Blankenship
Michael Shannon – Galen
It has come to my attention that Johnny Depp is giving up booze for you. That you are responsible for ending the reign of acting’s most accomplished functional alcoholic is none of my business and not the subject of this letter.
You know me–and if you don’t, i’m the guy who left that stain on your doorstep–i’m no whiner. No, i’m here to declare my love for you in a way Johnny Depp never could (and that’s not a sex reference).
Johnny Boy will give up alcohol for you? So the fuck what? i’ll take up alcohol for you.
Let’s take a moment to think about this. By getting sober, Johnny’s life will become immeasurably better. He’ll feel better, think more clearly, sharpen his acting, augment his fortune, hone his guitar playing, increase his sexual prowess… Every aspect of his existence will improve. “If you stay with me, I promise to succeed more”? What kind of bullshit risk is that?
What i’m offering, Amber, is a real sacrifice.
i’ve been sober for 2 years, 5 months, and 16 days, so i know about the benefits awaiting JD if he goes off the sauce. But if you leave him for me, i promise to fall so hard off the wagon that the repercussions will be felt all over the world. i will give up everything for you, all the clarity, all the happiness, all the security, all the comforts, all the relief, all the courage, all the piece of mind i’ve accumulated since getting sober.
i think you’ll agree, mine is a more shining example of guts than what Johnny is showing.
Think it over, babe, and leave me a comment in the Comments section if you want to fuck up and get fucked up together.
Unbeknownst to many, Amber dated Yosemite Sam before hooking up with Johnny
There’s hotter shots of her in my drawers, down there. ↓
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.
Bar None Dregs
Saint Pauly, who gets funnier every time i look at him, has just posted two hilarious reviews on the first two Resident Evil movies over at WTF!? Watch the Film.
Yeah, i said it. Like everyone else hasn’t been saying it already.
As of this writing (2013-07-14 13:11 Yemen time), the news of Cory Monteith’s death in a Vancouver hotel room has hit the net. The official cause is still unknown, but authorities say that no foul play is suspected.
People, if you die alone in a hotel room and no foul play is suspected, it’s either an INXSTC neck tie or you killed yourself with substances, intentionally or not.
i’m not here to mock him. If you don’t know who Cory Monteith was, which is entirely possible when you think about the typical patrons of The Bar None, then, well…what i can tell you is that he was the star of a TV show called Glee and if you don’t know what that it is well, what can i tell you? Other than he was a teen idol and that it doesn’t matter.
What does matter is that he had addiction issues which seemed to begin with alcohol (he first went to rehab at 19) and then evolved into drug use.
What also matters is that you will die the same way he did if you do the same shit he does. So he was like you and especially like me and not because i’m a drop dead sexy mother fucker. OK, not just because i’m a drop dead sexy mother fucker.
i am an alcoholic in recovery after a 30-year drinking career. i got sober after getting out of the hospital where i spent 10 days (three in ICU where family and friends were called to my bedside in case i didn’t make it) when i tried to kill myself.
i was lucky. Cory Monteith wasn’t. That’s what it comes down to.
What it really comes down to is you. This post is all about you.You have not committed suicide, on purpose or otherwise. Don’t start now.
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.You know how you get drunk alone? You sit there on your ratty ass recliner and pound cheap beer so fast your cans don’t have the chance to get warm and your skin tingles with the excitement of the buzz and you honestly believe you’re having fun even if you’re the only one, and you think you’re thinking of all kinds of great shit that you really should be writing down and even if you catch yourself drowsing off towards the end you’re convinced that the night you’re spending means something significant…until you wake up in a puddle of your own piss with the understanding that you’re in the same chair and the same life with the same job and nothing at all you said or thought or did has any consequence on your life. You got ridden right back where you started and and the ride wasn’t all that great, and that drunken night is just like The Wolverine.
The Harry Prince continues his glorious rise to the bottom. His grace has already graced the Bar None with his drunken antics and he assures me that we can continue to count on his patronage. He’s told me this in person, through the choice of his new princess consort: Cressida Bonas.
(Note that “Bonas” is UK-speak for “Boners”. As in, “Prince Harry should marry Cressida and take her name so people would call him, “Harry Bone-ahs”.)
The best part about her apart from everything else is that she’s a party animal just like his High – ness.
Now, the Bar None has always been a No H8R zone, and this video as forced me to declare the premises a Bully Free zone as well. The problem is, i’m trying to decide what constitutes bullying, so i’m asking for your help.
Your answers will help me decide who and what i write about in the dregs coming up.
Well, it’s the Back-to-School period for those of y’all who weren’t smart enough to get out yet. Don’t let education get you down, though, wait for your grades to do that. Right now, you still have shitloads of time before your first test, so live it up while you can still do it guilt free. And if you’re looking for a little somethin’ somethin’ to spice up your white bread life, why not tap the Lunch Lady?
From the juiced box and dedicated to Tonya: Fame – Hot Lunch
Here’s a fantasy i didn’t know i had: a 3-way with the school lunch “lady”. You know, i wanna drink from her juice box. Shake her milk. Lick her batter. Knead her breasts and baste her thighs. Tenderize her meat. Whip her cream. Ice her muffins. Make her suck my fish sticks.
i just found out i had this fantasy thanks to a 34-year-old hot lunch lady in Colorado who has a lot on her plate. Seems she had this party at her place and invited the whole high school cafeteria, and when they all came she left them begging for smorgasbord.
She served one guy right there in the middle of her living room while the others waited in line and then she took a 17 and a 20-year-old into her bedroom for what i like to call the “Back to School Special”. Bet you’re wondering which one got the sloppy seconds, eh?
Unfortunately, this left a bad taste in someone’s mouth because the police started asking around until one fed up customer called the tip line and fed them the entire story on a silver platter.
The Hot Lunch Lady was put in the cooler for sexual assault on a child and contributing to the delinquency because of all the booze she served with her smile.
At the end of my post about Cressida Bonas, i stated that i’m instigating a no bullying policy here in the Bar None. i polled readers and asked if they felt i’d bullied her Royal High-ness in the post and 40% of y’all said i had. In response to that unequivocal response, i’ve refused to use the woman’s last name in this Dregs post, referring to her only as Tonya. Is that enough or am i still bullying? Please let me know in the comments.
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
“When I grow up, I wanna be just like you, daddy–er, Ben Affleck.”
Final Proof: 2 ½ Shots
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.
You know how you get drunk in Laughlin, Nevada? Sure it’s a casino town and you sip comped drinks all night as you play poker, but the drinks are so watered down you start to build an ark and the only poker you play is video poker so electronic that you can smell the percentage it’s taking from you and that’s about as exciting as watching reality TV show reruns, plus you’re in fucking Laughlin for chrissakes which doesn’t even have the decency to copy Las Vegas like Reno does. So you sit there drained and not drunk and ready just to finish your roll of quarters and go back to your smelly ass room and beat off to “Pretty Little Liars” because even the prostitutes in Laughlin are too expensive and too cheap. That’s all you’ll take away after seeing Runner Runner.
You’re in a hurry and just want the short version? Runner Runner is a mediocre remake of The Firm and every other corporate thriller from the 1980′s.
Ben Affleck begging the director to tear up his contract
There’s a couple things wrong with Runner Runner and by “a couple” i mean “a shit ton”, starting with the script which is no big deal and ending with the acting which isn’t going to win any awards. Like for the acting Justin Timberlake tries to bluff us into thinking he can carry a whole film but his weak ass hand couldn’t carry a shake so he should just stick to the carrying of tunes.
You know who else is in this movie? John Heard and what cracked me up is that i just saw him in Sharknado, but at least he was trying in this one. The character he was this time trying to be, however, was called Harry Furst. i’m still trying to decide if this is a bad joke or bad scripting.
Speaking of bad script writing, here’s a taste. A bad taste. For your mouth.
This isn’t poker. It’s my life, and I only have one play left.
Plus there’s tons of WTF!? moments that i won’t get into here because i don’t want to drop any spoilers but trust me, a lot of this movie is gonna feel like bad fan art because you’re gonna look at it and feel that something just this side of everything is ‘off’.
Gemma Arterton is all kinds of hot but you’re gonna have to take my word for it because you won’t see any of that sizzle here. There’s a little kissing and a sex scene that was lifted from 1980′s school of in-your-end-o sex scenes but it sure didn’t get a rise out of me. Not like this, anyway.
There were a lot of them but i was only able to net a couple.
To start off with, hats off to the extra special loveliness of Laura Alemán, who played to perfection what just may be my favorite role in the film, “Masseuse”.
Two shots and it’s only because of the quantity of the booze that flowed and not the quality of the references. A lot of drinking, but the booze didn’t have a role in the film so it’s not gonna score big here.
Beer and whisky during the online poker game when he loses everything
Shot of pro’lly vodka after almost losing [all of his staked money at his boss's party]
Beer at beach bar
Beer on boat
“Una cerveza” in a Costa Rican bar talking to the head honcho
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
Like you really though you were going to get rock and roll in a movie with Justine Timberlack. They had tons of music only none of it was rock. Like do you know who they had in the movie? Some guy named Joel and not Billy but a DJ who knows Joel isn’t that cool of a name so he changed it to Deadmau5.
As for the action…like you thought there’d be action in a Justin Time movie. The most action you’ll see are the people walking out of the cinema. Hey, it’s not cruel if it’s true.
Gemma Arterton – Rebecca Shafran
Laura Alemán – Masseuse
Diana Laura – Sandra Leon
Justin Timberlake – Richie Furst
Ben Affleck – Ivan Block
John Heard – Harry Furst
Bottom Line
Cut your losses while you’re ahead and fold. Fold hard.
You know how you get drunk in a Chili’s? It’s a nice enough place to get a buzz on but do you really want to get shitfaced someplace ‘nice’? Are as high as your aspirations go getting all fucked up in a family restaurant that has pictures of its laminated drinks on a menu and chick waiters with name tags? Wouldn’t you rather raise hell in hell itself at the bottom of a barrel place where you can’t tell the spilled beer from the spilled guts and the only reason girls go to the bathroom together is to make sure they make it back alive and intact? In a real fucking drunk you don’t risk getting cut off you risk getting cut, the only thing you designate drivers for is outrunning the cops and the only reason to lower your voice is for death or another gulp. Leave Chili’s to ethnic poser professionals out on a quick flirt before returning home to their spouses… If you’re gonna fucking get drunk then go all out balls to the wall no holds bared pulling no punches kicking ass and tasting fame drunk. Machete the First was fucking drunk, Machete Kills is as much a letdown as trying to cop a buzz on colorful cocktails with next to no liquor content and names as fruity as the waiter in a motherfucking Chili’s.
i like Robert Rodriguez. Like a lot. Roget is still looking for new words to describe how fucking awesome Sin City is, but i also really liked From Dusk to Dawn and The Faculty. Hell, i even liked the Spy Kids movies, and i really got into the B-genres like Planet Terror and someone’s still pro’lly cleaning off the back of the seat in front of me from when i saw the first Machete.
Rodriguez has this cool way of taking cliches and then anal raping them, like you order a beer and then when you’re in the middle of it you realize he spiked it with acid. You don’t know where he’s going and he gets you there in a hurry, with style. Like in a convertible. Or a minivan with a rocking sound system (but a super fast and really cool minivan, though).
The problem is i expected him to take me on the same ride with Machete Kills but all he did was ride me. The hard way. i expected most of the surprises he threw at me so he didn’t catch me off guard. Sure it was fun to see famous people doing cameos all over the place in a fake movie, and watching Amber Heard try to act is like watching a mermaid try to run a 100-yard dash which is always good for a chuckle but i’ve come to expect more from Rodriguez. Hell, he’s trained me to expect more.
Unless–and this is probably exactly what’s going on here–he’s afraid people will expect too much of Sin City 2 next year so he wants to make a ton of boring movies so our expectations are at an all time low when he releases SC2.
Rodriguez knows men and he knows what men like and he knows women and when i say that i mean he probably knows them biblically and that means sexually but none of that is as important as him sharing them with us. So he gets all these super hot actresses and makes them appear in revealing clothes and do a lot of action shots on the big screen and what more do you want from something that can’t press charges when you’re through?
As for the blow by blow:
70′s style weird lava lamp style sex scene where they say “Put on your 3D glasses now” but then the scene is too fake 3D and has 70′s groovy sploogey (hey, if i can write it, it’s a word) designs to see anything
You know who i wanna start with is Alexa Vega who plays an evil henchbabe prostitute called KillJoy. She started out looking like this sweet little girl in Spy Kids 1-84 and then ended up a gorgeous young woman. The nice thing about this is she learned how to be a good actress before she got all hot. The other nice thing is this, a collage of her Twit pix.
Alexa Vega Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
She also has assless chaps in one scene in the movie and man, does she do AssAssin the open air very well.
Then there’s Amber Heard who is so beautiful it makes my eyes hurt but who acts so badly it makes my eyes hurt too. Whenever she starts to speak, look at her boobs, that’s what i do and it distracts you from her acting. She had a sex scene in the film, fully clothed, sitting on Machete’s machete.
Amber Heard Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You remember Sofia Vergara because how could you forget her when she looks exactly like this? She plays a whorehouse madame and her girls are as hot as she is but not all of them because this is how high Sofia lifts your bar.
Sofia Vergara Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Guess what and you don’t have to because i’mma a tell you right now before you can try to guess. Vanessa Hudgens had a cameo as Cereza the whore / Mendez’s lover but we never get to see her prove it. Still, Vanessa really puts the ‘OOH’ in Cameo. Sorta like this.
Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Then there’s this Lady Gaga woman i heard a lot about but not of because the only kind of pop i’m into is when my eardrums do it because the music is so loud. She plays a women called La Camaleón and almost falls out of her dress as she climbs out of a wrecked van. First up in real life, i got a collage of her in and out of the Bar None.
Lady Gaga Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
Saving the best for later, everyone in the Bar None knows how hot i am for Mr Michelle Rodriguez and she looked good in this movie because she lost some of the beer weight and walked around all cute as a belly button. Her shots, as long as the solo shots of all these ladies are located at the bottom of this post, in my drawers. Just rummage around at the end of this and you’ll come up with something.
Last and certainly not least is the Robert Rodriguez scored twins and not just twins playing nurses but twins that are so amazing they’ll make you forget every pair you’ve ever seen before. I give you Electra & Elise Avellan.
Not bad, actually. There were quite a few references and some of them even had relative importance so i’ll jack this up to 3 shots after being so hard on the film over all.
“Chango” for those of you who care, is a fictional warm, flat weak piss beer that Rodriguez likes to sneak into most of his movies for grownups (or me).
Here’s the blow by blow for the rest.
The President (Charlie Sheen as Carlos Estevez) drinks shots of whisky in the Oval Office
Bad leader Mendez drinks tequila when meeting Machete
Wine at dinner with Mel Gibson (who doesn’t get drunk and go racist on Danny Trejo’s ass)
Mel kills a waiter with a corkscrew because the waiter was going to spill a bottle of 1787 Chateau Margaux
i know, it’s amazing that in each category i’ve been scoring rather high but overall the film scared only 2½ shots. What can i tell you that i didn’t already spell out in the intro? Nothing.
But the rock was good, like the soundtrack was so good i’m going to try to find it online and download it illegally for free.
The action, though, was a little weak except for this one part (and you saw how i put up at the top that there were spoilers here, right?) where Machete punches through a guy’s skin, pulls out his intestines, throws them into the revolving rotors of a helicopter on the ground beside them and the rotating motor pulls the dude up into the blades and chop him to suey.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.
Danny Trejo auditions for Thor
Kyle Ward – Screenplay
Robert Rodriguez & Marcel Rodriguez – Story
Directed by: Robert Rodriguez
Starring
Danny Trejo – Machete
Amber Heard – Miss San Antonio
Michelle Rodriguez – Luz
Sofía Vergara – Desdemona
Lady Gaga – La Camaleón
Vanessa Hudgens – Cereza
Alexa Vega – KillJoy
Callie Hernandez – Space Babe
Emmy Robbin – Pris
Elle LaMont – Dollface
Electra Avellan – Nurse Mona
Elise Avellan – Nurse Lisa
Charlie Sheen – Mr. President (as Carlos Estevez)
i’ll throw up some of the leftover captioned stills and then get right to the hotness because you gotta believe my drawers are as hot as hell, Barmaids and Beerhounds.
They’re blurry and badly taken? No, they’re of a movie i saw in 3D and only here to prove i saw this bad boy.
Ramblings: A Hard Hobbit to Break
Final Proof: 3 Shots
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.You know how you get drunk with a daughter of a whore who’s a whore herself? She’s just as flashy as her mom and aims to please but she’s a little sprier, a little faster on the uptake and quicker on the down-low. She parties harder and keeps a better rhythm so she’s more satisfying than mom, even if she’s just a shallow party girl and you’ll never fall in love with her or spill your guts or bare your soul to her and you don’t care enough to wonder what her real name is but you’ll remember her stage name for up to a week which is more than you can say for her mother who was totally forgettable in every way. That’s what The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug is like after the not Unexpected Journey.
Fran Walsh, Guillermo del Toro, Peter Jackson, Philippa Boyens Screenplay
Directed by: Peter Jackson
Starring
Evangeline Lilly – Tauriel Graham McTavish - Dwalin Ian McKellen - Gandalf James Nesbitt - Bofur Ken Stott - Balin Martin Freeman - Bilbo Baggins Richard Armitage - Thorin Oakenshield Stephen Hunter - Bombur William Kircher - Bifur Adam Brown - Ori Aidan Turner - Kili Benedict Cumberbatch - Smaug Conan Stevens - Azog
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view. You know how you get drunk studying for a history test? You’re sitting on a stool and the book is sitting on the sticky counter absorbing spilled foam and sloshed cocktails but that’s OK because the times you’re reading about are more important than the book itself and you start to get bored as the booze kicks in so you skip straight to the pictures and realize the book is only a well intentioned way to make money and not meant to inspire anyone and if you want some fucking inspiration you have to go directly to the source. That’s what watching Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom was like.
Here’s the main problem with the film: Mandela’s life is modern history. Hell, he was still alive after the film was completed. Can you imagine watching a movie someone made of your life and at the end telling the director you thought it was boring? Which would really suck because you’re life isn’t at all boring – and you’re you, imagine how weird it would be for someone as epically non-boring as Mandela.
You know what the best part of the movie was? The news footage, because they showed news clips from the time the events were really taking place and then at the end they showed photos of the real Mandela and the events touched on in the film. In other words, the best bits were the ones the director didn’t make. What i’m saying is, a documentary would’ve been much better than this film. Mandiba’s struggle against apartheid wasn’t so long ago, so they could’ve used original footage, old photos, interviewed real people… That would’ve been a movie that gave you chills whereas this version just left me cold.
See, i know you guys think i’m young and a hep cat like you say in your cool kid lingo, but i’m actually old enough to remember a lot of what happens in this movie. Hell, i was boycotting Coke because of their interests in South Africa and i was standing alone in my basement in front of the mirror putting on a concert where i sang Peter Gabriel’s “Biko” fighting back tears because i’m nothing if not an over sensitive son of a bitch with an out of proportioned sense of injustice. Ah, if only this movie were as intense as i am.
i’m also old enough to remember listening to this killer song called “Sun City” by Artists United Against Apartheid (in 1985) which you gotta see because it’ll save you the time and money you would’ve otherwise spent on the Long Walk to Freedom and plus, where else can you see Lou Reed, Miles Davis, Ringo Starr, Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Run DMC, and fucking Joey Ramone all singing together in the same song?
Finally, let’s be honest and you know me, i’m nothing if not an honest man (though the fact that sometimes i’m nothing does not necessarily mean i’m dishonest…)– Idris Elba is a great fucking actor and probably a handsome man but he looks absolutely nothing like Nelson Mandela. Nelson was a clearer skinned African as well as being rather small and almost frail in stature while Idris is this huge fucking giant of a beautiful black man. i know i’m coloring way out of line here, but i found the lack of physical resemblance distracting.
Just remember, you’re allowed to hate the movie without hating the man or what he fought for.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 0 Shots
Obviously Winnie Mandela played a huge role in Nelson’s life but to be completely honest, i don’t really care about how they met, how they fell in love, what they looked like when they kissed, what they looked like when they screwed, what they looked like when he proposed to her, or what they looked like when they got married.This is more like looking through Mandela’s family album and i wished they would’ve spent more time on the man’s philosophies than his wooing.
There is also a standup quickie with a political groupie after he married his first wife but before he met Winnie. This is to show us that Mandela was a ladies’ man and is pretty typical of how this movie covers what we’ve already heard about Mandela.
The extra beautiful and enormously talented Nomfusi Gotyana portrayed Miriam Makeba and sang some killer South African style music in a bar in the beginning.
The only real drinking reference is when a drunk black friend of Mandela’s is arrested leaving a bar because he doesn’t have his papers and then he’s beaten to death by the police after he throws up on a cops shoes. Also, Winnie is shown sipping what might be either iced tea or whiskey. Oh yeah, and that mug on the table in that one scene was either half empty with beer or piss, judging by how yellow it was.
Mandela spent 18 years in prison and i think the director of Long Walk to Freedom wanted us to appreciate what this tedium felt like by cutting most of the violence associated with the fight against white supremacy in South Africa. Oh sure there are some token scenes representing the overall pain involved with the struggle but more attention is paid to the love story with Winnie than the end of white rule Mandela brought about.